Truth beats Self-Pity

I have a tendency toward self-pity; I don't know if you've noticed that. I really seemed to notice it tonight, when I was sitting in the auditorium that is my new church, waiting for the service to start, when the lights go down and no one passing by will notice that I've come to church alone. So God opened my eyes to this self-pity and I prayed that He would move my mind away from that, away from myself and move it to the bigness of Him, of His love, of His purpose. And then we started singing. And we sang songs about the wonder of God, about the sovereignty of God, about His strength and His presence as our fortress, our refuge. And the worship was uplifting, even if I was standing by myself singing, I wasn't singing alone (although that didn't occur to me until right now) ... the point was, I was singing. And what it was that I was singing was True. When the singing ended and the lights came up, we greeted those around us, and two of the four people I know at the church now (two of the four people I met at women's group on Thursday) were standing within greeting distance from me. And I was comforted. And the sermon was good, there were things in it for me to chew on ... like "God is more present in the goodbyes than the hellos" speaking of Joseph in the Old Testament ... And then we sang again, more Truth.

Rob Bell at Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan, has given a couple of sermons about why we sing, and he always makes the point that sometimes we sing not because we feel like it, but because we want to feel like it; and sometimes we sing because we just need to have Truth come across our lips. And sometimes that's just enough, because that's where we are. And that's a little bit where I was tonight. And I can say now, from experience, that having Truth on your lips, really does make a difference in the things that are on your mind. I don't know which comes first, but I do know that they're related.

Poor Choices

For being a person who notoriously says "Make Good Choices!" the title and subject of this post is pretty funny.

I have a friend who feels that she needs to take an action which I consider to be a poor choice. Not because I'm judging or whatever, but because I myself in my past life have felt the need to take the very same action and have regretted it ... every. single. time. Now, I do not feel that I have the right really to tell this friend that this choice is not-the-best because we're new friends. And she says she felt God leading her to take this action yesterday, but she didn't do it. And she says she feels it's something she needs to do for herself. But it's not going to go well. Not going to go well at all.

So I think to myself, if I were in that position and I took this action, feeling God was leading me to it, or okay-ing it at the very least, and it didn't go well, what would I think or do?

You know what I would think?

"WHY?! Why God, did you tell me or let me do this thing when it was clearly such a poor choice? Why did you lead me into a poor choice?"

And then I think, God would not lead me into a poor choice ... or would He?

Then I remember briefly that line from the Lord's prayer ... "And lead us not into temptation" ... although that's not necessarily what I think that means, but it's there ... nonetheless.

God can be a tricky little one (i.e. outsmarts me all the time). And I wonder if this is a thing my friend needs to do to learn a lesson about trusting Him or about His character and His provision. And maybe this is the most effective way for her to learn this lesson, or an important step in the process.

And now I wonder how many poor choices God has actually led me into or allowed me to make in order that I may learn lessons it would have taken me years or longer to learn.

What about you?

*Author's note: The poor choice is only destruction to the ego and one's pride. Not to the physical body.*

*Also note: My roommate made several poor, but appropriate, choices today ... as in, three servings of ice cream and no actual food.*

beforebehindbeside

The harder I work, the more exhausted I become. The more I praise the LORD, dwelling on His works that His hands have made - His people, His land, His trees, His music, His canvas full of color and sound and light - the more refreshed I become. Essentially, the less work I do, the more I am refreshed. But it is neither easy nor nothing to praise the LORD. One must put aside all other earthly thoughts and cares and, wavering at first, seek the LORD in all His glory. Sometimes in the darkest places. But what is the depths of darkness to Him who is Light? Wherever we go, there shall be light, for when we rest in God, He has prmised us Himself to go with us - never to forsake or leave us. Never. No matter the darkness - small or big - the author and creator of Light and its essence will hem us in - before, behind, beside.

Before. Behind. Beside.

Old War Stories

I'm reading through the Bible chronologically with my friend Julie. She lives in Austria right now. Isn't that fun?! We're reading the Bible together, even though we live very VERY far apart on a regular basis. Anyway. Right now I'm reading about David and his life and adventures as a rogue soldier. Did you realize he's kind of like the original Robin Hood? Running away from the king? An outlaw? Robbing from the rich to give to the poor? It's great! Anyway. So I'm reading through 2 Samuel and 1 Chronicles today. Super exciting right? Actually ... yeah! I was reading these stories of David's Mighty Men and began to hear them in the same voice that you hear veteran's talk about the battles they were a part of. I realized ... war stories! These are just old war stories. Told by these old men who shared these experiences together. I mean, obviously they're IMPORTANT war stories, but still ... they're just old war stories. Isn't it great? Can't you just imagine these old men writing down these stories going ... "remember that time Benaiah chased that lion down into a pit and killed it even though it was snowing and icy?" or "what about that time the whole army chickened out and Eleazar and I were the only ones who would fight the Philistines and God gave us victory anyway?" The Old Testament takes on a different light when you remember that people are people ... even Old Testament people ... and that people have always been people. They're just stories. Some about war. Some about love. All about life.

Questions and Conversations

I just finished reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It's been a much longer process than I would've liked - because I allowed myself to read only one chapter per day. But I'm so glad I took the time. I didn't want to miss anything and even though I'm sure there are things I've already forgotten, I'm equally sure there are lessons that have sunk deep into me - through my skin and into my marrow - waiting and working to change me. But to say a book changed me (even one of Donald Miller's books) is false and unfair. It is unfair pressure on the book and the author; it is unfair simplicity ascribed to my divinely complex personhood. A book cannot change me. Only I can change me. And yet, even as I type that, I know it is untrue. I want it to be true, but it's not. I can feel God tapping me on the shoulder, forcing me to turn around and sigh. Because not even I can do that. Only God can change me. He is the only one who knows my true capacity. My desires, my potential and how to realize them. He is the only one who can sort through my complexities and make sense of it all. But a book can make me think, and ask questions and start conversations. So may I begin these conversations with God about "what happens now?" and "what if?"

Your Love is Strong

Just a short note before I go to bed.

I really like God and I'm really enjoying reading His Scriptures these last couple of days. My reading has me going through Leviticus right now and it's true, it's full of rules. But at the same time, the rules are a lot of the time common sense principles (i.e. don't sleep with your daughter) and guidelines for living in community (i.e. do not murder, do not twist justice to favor the poor or the rich). But they also say so much, I think, about the LORD and what He considers important. He really thinks of a lot of things. Like He knows there are going to be poor people. No matter what. Soooo, He makes provision for them. He instructs the farmers not to glean everything out of their fields. When they drop something, leave it. Don't go back and pick it up. Don't take every bunch of grapes from the vine. Leave some. The poor will come and take it. Don't be greedy. It's also different from a straight-up hand out, though. The poor still have to come along and do the work of searching the field for what has been left behind. See? So much he thinks of! Then there are the random ones like "don't trim the hair of your temples or your beards." I don't get that one. But it must be important.

Side note: homosexuality is thrown in there right alongside don't sleep with your daughter or granddaughter or stepmother ... as in ... it's true, it's not how we were designed to be, it's not wholeness and it is sin against yourself and the other person ... but it is NOT in bold letters. It is not in all caps. There are no hashmarks indicating a trending topic (re: twitter). It's there. Very clearly. But it's also very clear that it's the same as all the rest. Just don't do it. If you do, when you do screw up, the steps for reconciliation and atonement have all been laid out already.

God thinks of everything.

Jon Foreman's "Your Love is Strong" has been running through my head ever since we sang it in church yesterday. What gets me the most is a variation on the Lord's prayer which he launches into very passionately. It's a poignant moment of the song. You should check it out.

"Two things You told me

That You are strong

And You love me

Yes, You love me

Your Love is, Your Love is, Your Love is

Strong

Our God in Heaven hallowed by They name above all names

Your kingdom come Your will be done

On Earth as it is in Heaven

Give us today our daily bread

Forgive us weary sinners

Keep us far from our vices

And deliver us from these prisons ..."

Amen.

Routine

Just a couple thoughts.

1. Am I trying to be God's "teacher's pet"? Is that how my mind views justification by works so that it seems less wrong and more acceptable and accessible? Just wondering. I listened to a sermon from my church in Boston and the pastor talked about being teacher's pet and something about that phrase struck me and stuck with me. And that question came to my mind. Am I trying to be God's "teacher's pet"?

2. I almost started reading an article about privacy steps on Facebook. It was something about Google and Facebook and the information Google is logging about your Facebook, blahdy blah. Like I said, I almost started reading it. I read a little abstract and got really sucked into that and just as I was about to click the link to the full article, I stopped. I thought "do I really care that much?" And yes, I agree that internet safety and discretion is incredibly important. But I think I started to click the article because I somehow thought it was a very important matter of great delicacy and urgency, because the abstract was written that way ... like those teasers on evening news: "The most common cause of death ... and it's in your refrigerator!" You know? And then you wait and wait and wait to find out in what form death is lurking in your refrigerator so you can show it to the door, only to learn it's something about mold ... I know Facebook is public. It's on the internet. I know this blog is public. It's on the internet. I'm just saying, if you don't want the whole world to know about something about you ... don't put it on the internet. I have nothing to hide on my Facebook page. At least, I don't think I do. So go ahead Google, file away. I'd be honored if you thought my information was important enough to be logged and stored, but I don't necessarily think it is.

Routine

Arthur Guiterman

No matter what we are and who,

Some duties everyone must do:

A Poet puts aside his wreath

To wash his face and brush his teeth

And even Earls

Must comb their curls,

And even Kings

Have underthings.

Gravity

The coolest thing happened during church this morning ...
I felt the Lord's presence ...
... just the same as I felt Him in Vivamo.

The Lord is the same, yesterday, today and forever ... then and now ... there and here

And His people are His people ... each one beautifully and wonderfully made, fully unique and completely loved, but His people still the same, carrying His image ...

I know in my head that God is the same, but today my heart knew it as well. And it was amazing. And comforting.

*deep sigh*

Happy birthday to Caleb Pallavicini born today down in North Carolina to beautiful Laura and Chris!

Gravity
John Mayer

Gravity
Is working against me
And gravity
Wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know
What makes this man
With all the love
That his heart can stand
Dream of ways
To throw it all away

Whoa, gravity
Is working against me
And gravity
Wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much
Ain't twice as good
And can't sustain
Like one-half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna' send me to my knees

Oh twice as much
Ain't twice as good
And can't sustain
Like one-half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna' send me to my knees

Whoa, gravity
Stay the hell away from me
Whoa, gravity
Has taken better men than me
How can that be?
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the, keep me where the light is

Love Waits

I think as musicians we must all struggle at some time or another with worshiping music.
It is so beautiful, and affective, so good, it seems worthy of being worshiped.
As a Christian this is a problem, because we know we are to worship nothing but the one God, the LORD Jesus Christ.

Sometimes I love music so much that I want to put it in that place of highest esteem. But in thruth, this is not loving music at all. To love something truly is to put it and keep it in its right place.

If I truly love my fish (I'm sorry this is a horrible example), I will not take it out of its tank to carry it with me wherever I go. That would kill the fish. If I truly love it, I will leave it in its proper place, where it lives and thrives, where it will have a future.

If I truly love music, I ought not elevate it to the place of LORD in my life. This will only lead eventually to dischord (no pun intended), disappointment and resentment. When I put music in that place of God, I will then look to it for things I would look to God for. And music cannot provide those things. I will then be angry with music for not fulfilling my hopes. Now do I still love music? No, now I resent music. Our relationship is broken because the expectations were excessive and preposterous. If I really love music, which I do, then I leave it in its place of "really awesome" and messenger of God's worthiness, and love for me.

Music, please understand me when I do not elevate you to the status of God. It is not because I don't want to or I don't love you, in fact, I DO want to (after all, I understand you much better than I do God), but I leave you where you are because that is your place, your home in a sense, and where you belong. Because I love you, I will not worship you.


This song is actually called "Speak to me Gently," but I originally knew it as "Love Waits" which I frequently need reminded of, and oftentimes like better ...

Love Waits
future of forestry

sadness and rhyme
these are the times
these are the memories
we find a way
pushing through the day
so speak to me gently

can you just feel the time
falling from some place new?
can you just feel the sign?
love waits for you
love waits for you

i'm searching the stars
in desparate hours
bound to find meaning
God shows a face
in this desolate place
and tenderness meets me

can you just feel the time
falling from some place new?
can you just feel the sign?
love waits for you

stories untold
of redwoods grown old
reside in the forest
and there you can hear
a whispering tear
that speaks into our loneliness

can you just feel the time
falling from some place new?
can you just feel the sing?
love waits for you
love waits for you