Questions and Conversations

I just finished reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It's been a much longer process than I would've liked - because I allowed myself to read only one chapter per day. But I'm so glad I took the time. I didn't want to miss anything and even though I'm sure there are things I've already forgotten, I'm equally sure there are lessons that have sunk deep into me - through my skin and into my marrow - waiting and working to change me. But to say a book changed me (even one of Donald Miller's books) is false and unfair. It is unfair pressure on the book and the author; it is unfair simplicity ascribed to my divinely complex personhood. A book cannot change me. Only I can change me. And yet, even as I type that, I know it is untrue. I want it to be true, but it's not. I can feel God tapping me on the shoulder, forcing me to turn around and sigh. Because not even I can do that. Only God can change me. He is the only one who knows my true capacity. My desires, my potential and how to realize them. He is the only one who can sort through my complexities and make sense of it all. But a book can make me think, and ask questions and start conversations. So may I begin these conversations with God about "what happens now?" and "what if?"

Loving a Person

I've decided to take Lent seriously this year. And by seriously I mean, I am filled with joy and excitement about the season of Lent. I know. It's strange, right? Because Lent is the time when you give something that you really love in an act of penitence and contrition to remind us of how weak we are and how much we suck at life and how much we need Jesus and how He died for us because we can't even last 40 days without chocolate, coffee or Facebook. Right? True, Lent is maybe not in the running for gold medal of the holiday olympics. How can anyone hold a candle to Christmas? But it's about so much more than just giving up something convenient or generally delicious. I'm not exactly sure what that is, and I actually don't think that I will know at the end of this Lenten season, but I do anticipate some serious lessons being learned during this time of reflection and anticipation and remembrance and celebration this year. I can't explain it, I just know inside my spirit that I'm excited about this.

So here's a little of what my Lent plan is. Please don't read this as in a "look how awesome I am and all my plans for Lent this year. I'm such a good Christian, after Lent this year, I won't even NEED Easter." Not. True. But I know my heart so well, that I don't even feel like I need that disclaimer because I know how excited I am by all of this.

It is going to be a serious challenge in a lot of ways, but again, it seems fun to me. Note: I am one day in. I have already nearly failed several times, and probably have unwittingly failed.

The plan:

Traditional orthodox Great Lent fast.

No meat.

No dairy.

No eggs.

No fish.

No secular music.

No alcohol.

Do blog every day.

Do Scripture read every day.

Do pray.

Do read Book of Common Prayer every day.

Do read small group book every day.

Do read non-fiction every day.

Do read fiction every day.

Do celebrate Sabbaths/Sundays as "little Easters" aka. all rules rendered null. aka Party like it's 1999!

I also wanted to avoid: caffeine and extra sugar.

Read: No chocolate. No sugar added to my caffeine-free tea.

As I hate vegetables as a general rule, this fast is going to be incredibly difficult. I'm still undecided about the use of soy products as meat replacements and dairy replacements. I don't know if that counts as cheating. I'm going to try to do without them, but if I do start using soymilk and soyburgers, I don't think it's going to negate my entire experience.

Things I will be praying about especially during this time:

1. Direction and provision for this summer.

Some options:

Halo goes to Finland in August

Halo rehearses for Finland in June/July in Indiana

Halo rehearses somewhere else

Halo rehearses at a different time

Commonway sends a delegation to Kazakhstan in June/July

NRO festival in Breckinridge (if I am invited)

2. Direction and provision for the fall.

Some options:

Anything.

No.

Really.

Anything.

3. My friends.

Want me to pray for you? In general? About something specific? Let me have it! Because I'm committed to this. I've got you covered!

Things I have been thinking about.

1. My pride.

2. My tendency to open my mouth without thinking.

3. Am I called to wander or to settle? (Thanks Laura.)

4. The Pillar of Cloud/Fire that led the Israelites.

I've also decided to stop posting the lyrics for the songs that I attach to these posts. I've also decided to stop ALWAYS attaching a song to a post, unless I want to. I have felt in the past obligated to ... even though I'm only obligated to myself, but I have freed myself from it. Most will probably still have musical associations because that's how my brain and heart work together, but not all of them.

Today's does, though. And this song is related to the "Thing I have been thinking about. 1. My pride." I was listening to Donald Miller read Blue Like Jazz and he was talking about really liking people. And how people won't listen to you if you don't actually like them. They can tell when you're pretending. And I feel recently that I have been doing that. Like what I have to say or the way I live if more important or better than the way they do and they should change. And I'm going to pretend to like them and pretend I want them to change for their own good. So then this song came on my iTunes today and it seemed incredibly appropriate.

Sara Groves: Loving a Person

Awaken ye Sleepers

Today has already been a stretch in my adventure of a week of no background noise. I have caught myself so many times just about to grab my iPod or open iTunes or hit the radio button when I take a shower. But I haven't done it. My father on the other hand, being unaware of my week-long resolution, does. And I didn't even realize that I sat at the kitchen table today for an hour with the t.v. on as background noise because he'd turned it on.
Unfortunately, I spent just as much time online and in a mostly unproductive state, regardless of the status of my background noise. I'm not sure what to glean from this as of yet.

Here is my question of ponderance for tonight, though ...

Are there people who just don't have souls that will be awakened? Can you awaken someone's soul if it so far dormant they seem not to even have desires beyond suriving? How?
It's a general world question and also a personal question.
I find myself thinking about moving to Finland and investing in people's lives there, building small communities and I was thinking about meeting people for coffee and talking. They would say something and I would respond like "why do you think you do that?" and then they would say either "well ... thought-out answer that reveals a deeper part of themselves" or "I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it." Then they'd go away and think about it. Now, I know that life doesn't really work out that way. And if that's what I want to do, I might as well do it in Muncie just as well as Finland. (But that's also another story.) But I also then find myself doubting whether I can actually help awaken someone's soul. I know it's really the Holy Spirit who does the soul awakening. He's the only one who can speak to us in the voice and the language our souls understand, but still ... I doubt that I can be that person. At least, I don't think I can be that person for people who don't already think along that line (and it sometimes baffles me to think that there are those people, because ... well, I think that way). I know I can be an aid to those who already think that way, because I have been. But can I help people think that way if they don't already? Should I even try to help them? Is it a good way to think? I assume it is, but is it?
Lots of questions with non-postcardable answers (to take an idea from N.T. Wright). But that's what I was thinking on my musicless bike ride home.