My Love's Too Big For You

I have a confession to make: after sunset, I turn into a pumpkin. All my thinking generally becomes dark, maybe a little twisted and pretty morose. Most of the thoughts to follow surfaced after the sunset tonight. Also, I spent several hours in a car by myself today. Like 8+ hours. I still loved it all, but ... it might explain some things.

A friend of mine asked me over the summer how he could be a better friend.

Should someone ask you this question, unless they are asking about how they can be a good/better friend to you specifically ... DO NOT ANSWER IT! It's a trick. They don't mean it as a trick, but your ego means it as a trick. Although you (i.e. I) may feel you know all there is to know about being an awesome friend ... you (i.e. I) should not actually give voice to that particular feeling.

I, being ignorant of this self-destructive-ego-plot and tired and a wee bit prideful, answered his query as such: "You know what? I think you depend on your friends too much. You ask them to hold up too much of your identity. You need to find your strength in the Lord and not in your friends and not in yourself."

He walked out of the room. We haven't had a good conversation since then.

I could just slap myself for saying that. Perhaps it's true, but unless you are Jesus Christ Himself, you cannot say those things, especially not if (and I'm not saying he was) someone is asking you from a tender place of brokenness and vulnerability.

I realized tonight, that I was speaking to my friend of the speck in His eye looking through the lens of the plank in my own.

It struck me tonight that I am guilty of asking just as much, if not more, from my friends as that friend asks of his. I'm not saying it's bad to lean on your friends when you're down ... that's why God created us to live in community. Remember, it's not good for Man to be alone? That whole thing. But I am saying there are things that only Christ can do, that we sometimes ask other people to do.

Mine comes in this way: righteousness. I have been thinking for a long time that I am a bit of a legalist. And that I put my legalistic tendencies on my friends and acquaintances (as evidenced in my continual parting remark of "make good choices" ... it's cute and clever and funny for awhile, but eventually perhaps my friends just want to make whatever choices they want to make, even if they're not good ... and they should do that ... and I should still love them ... besides, who am I to know what is a good or bad choice? Some may be obvious, but most probably have a lot of gray areas.) And I strive pretty hard for righteousness, because I am a created rule-follower. Now, I'm more prone to break rules now than I used to be, but in general, if there are rules ... I follow them.

And for the most part, by God's grace, I do think that I strive pretty well toward righteousness. I screw up all the time, but I do pretty well.

But I think I ask, maybe not intentionally or obviously, the same sort of effort from my friends, and if they don't give that effort enough to satisfy me (because they don't want to, or they can't, or they don't understand, or value it, or they're too tired, or whatever) then I judge them (not always intentionally). This is a problem I think!

I don't think I do it intentionally almost ever, but I do not think I'm living in the marevlous light of Grace as much as I could be ... I sort of live in the shadows of Grace where I'm covered, but still mostly in charge of what's going on ... still sort of in control of my own thing ... expecting it of others as well.

Woe to my prideful heart!

I think I have been smothering my friends with my well-meaning, but slightly over-zealous love.

Sorry! I'll try to do better, to be better ... but wait, it's this trying that's the problem. Well, God and I will work on it.

How Will He Find Me?

My life scenario right now:

Attractive British customer comes into Starbucks.
Orders Earl Grey tea.
Barista makes Earl Grey tea.
Barista falls for Attractive British customer.
Attractive British customer continues a pattern of Earl Grey teas from Starbucks.
Barista makes Earl Grey tea.
Barista falls for Attractive British customer.
Again.
And Again.
And Again.
Attractive British customer does not come into Starbucks at normal time.
Barista tries not to look for him.
Attractive British customer comes into Starbucks later than normal.
Barista is relieved.
Attractive British customer congratulates Barista on making it to Friday.
Barista's mind overheats and blows a fuse.
Barista stumbles over incoherent word fragments.
Barista attempts small talk.
Barista fails.
Attractive British customer receives Earl Grey tea.
Attractive British customer walks away.

Later:
Barista learns Attractive British customer is to return to homeland that very day.
Barista is heartbroken.
Barista replays the scene for the entire day.
Barista also remembers a sighting of Attractive British customer hesitating at the door to Starbucks the previous day.
Attractive British customer decided not to come in a second time.
Barista creates following scenario in mind:
Attractive British customer knew he was leaving today.
Attractive British customer was going to tell me something yesterday, but decided against it ... line too long.
Attractive British customer came in later than normal on last day.
Attractive British customer seemed disappointed when leaving Barista's register.
Attractive British customer returned to Starbucks on last day, but Barista was already gone.
Attractive British customer must have come in later than normal to try to have conversation with Barista, maybe line would be shorter, less busy, more time to talk.
Attractive British customer was disappointed when leaving Barista's register because no time to talk was had.
Attractive British customer made second attempt to say goodbye.
Attractive British customer was in love with Barista.
Barista is simultaneously despondent and encouraged/happy/relieved.

No joke. That's what I thought today. The past three weeks of my life have led up to today ... the day I should've confessed my undying love for HB (Hot Brit ... whose real name is David). And now, I'll never get the chance.

So, Casey. I'd like to make a long-distance dedication to the love of my life, David from England who worked at the Cleveland Clinic for a short time ... but long enough to win my heart. David, if you're out there listening, come back to Cleveland. To see you in line was what I came into work for, what I waited for every shift, and the chance that you might come in a second time kept me happy and hoping for the rest of my six hours. I promise I'm not a freak. Awkward, yes. Freak, no. You'd like me if we ever got the chance to talk about more than looking forward to Friday. Maybe even a lot.

How Will He Find Me?
The Weepies

If I don't stand out like a star among the moons
If I am always late and he always backs away too soon
I walk the world with a skin so thin
I can wear no adequate protection
Everything comes crashing in.
If I'm too wide open for this place
But not enough for him to recognize my face

How will he find me
With no one's arms to gather me together?
How will he find me?
Only held by gravity, faded with uncertainty
No longer young and not that pretty
How will he ever find me?

It never seems to matter, the tears I cry.
There's a well inside of me that never runs dry
From being born I guess, and born in life until we die.
The music and the hope for love keep me alive
Still I wonder, how will he find me?

And what shall I do with a drunken heart
With goggle eyes and the troubling hunger
Reaching forward to trick mirror men
Leaning out and in again.
If love is a game how can it be creation?
And if I'm wasting my time
How will he find me?

The thing about Ugly Betty ...

... and Pride & Prejudice

... and probably many, if not most, other girlie stories. I think it's less about the man being initially not-attracted and then an attachment forming (i.e. Daniel & Betty, Lizzie & Darcy) and less about changing minds, and more about actually changing. Daniel was promiscuous and shallow. Betty was uptight and unfashionable. But through Betty's continual good influence, Daniel deepens and softens, but strengthens. And comes find himself genuinely caring for someone (Betty, of course!). And Betty changes, too. Becoming bolder and more aware, but still true to herself. And Darcy was prideful and filled with disdain, but because of Lizzie changed. And Lizzie was prejudice and quick to judge, but later acknowledges her judgments to have been wrong. (Interestingly enough, the things she was most wrong about were related to her. How often does that happen to us? We can see other people's situations so much more clearly than our own. And it probably ought to be the other way around.)

We want to be a force for good, I think. So we're drawn to stories where the characters are flawed, but in the same way/degree we're flawed (so we can identify with them), but who manage to positively affect someone else's life.

It was important that Daniel end up the way he did. It was a sort of redemption. And we need stories of redemption. We need to know both 1. we can change and 2. we can affect change. Especially by wholly ourselves -- like Betty.

It is significant that neither case set out to change the other, but it was a natural process -- there was something intrinsically attractive about the nature of the other person that drew the other person into their life and their way ... each slowly transforming the other.

Given the option between love at first sight and this slow transformation, I think I'd choose the latter. There is something very romantic about love at first sight, but something more enduring about the metamorphosis -- more organic, more secure, more lasting and deeper ... but I think this is only to me, or at least, not for everyone.

As a side note, I was at work today and overheard the mother of a girl I've know for years saying her daughter had receive a fullbright, etc. etc. "my daughter's so awesome" sort of things, but with such an air of nonchalance that it was even more annoying like "of course my daughter received a fullbright ... she's brilliant and my daughter! She got that brilliance from somewhere, you know?" Anyway, I found myself judgmental and annoyed (in case you didn't pick up on that) and then I wanted to go get a fullbright. I mean, I've wanted to get a fullbright for a long time anyway, and have looked into the process several times, but have found other things to do, other ways to live. And that ought to be fine. I mean, I have a job in an orchestra! And am a founding member of an exciting new musical venture! Beat that. But still, I feel the need to prove to that mother and that daughter that I'm just as smart as she is. That I can be smart, too. But I know I'm smart. (Not to brag.) And I've been the places she's been before. (Again, not to brag.) And my story is just a different story and my journey has a different path. Not better or worse. Just. Different. But still ... Grr ...

Old War Stories

I'm reading through the Bible chronologically with my friend Julie. She lives in Austria right now. Isn't that fun?! We're reading the Bible together, even though we live very VERY far apart on a regular basis. Anyway. Right now I'm reading about David and his life and adventures as a rogue soldier. Did you realize he's kind of like the original Robin Hood? Running away from the king? An outlaw? Robbing from the rich to give to the poor? It's great! Anyway. So I'm reading through 2 Samuel and 1 Chronicles today. Super exciting right? Actually ... yeah! I was reading these stories of David's Mighty Men and began to hear them in the same voice that you hear veteran's talk about the battles they were a part of. I realized ... war stories! These are just old war stories. Told by these old men who shared these experiences together. I mean, obviously they're IMPORTANT war stories, but still ... they're just old war stories. Isn't it great? Can't you just imagine these old men writing down these stories going ... "remember that time Benaiah chased that lion down into a pit and killed it even though it was snowing and icy?" or "what about that time the whole army chickened out and Eleazar and I were the only ones who would fight the Philistines and God gave us victory anyway?" The Old Testament takes on a different light when you remember that people are people ... even Old Testament people ... and that people have always been people. They're just stories. Some about war. Some about love. All about life.

Mean People

I tried watching Rain Man last night. I couldn't finish it. It was too difficult. Dustin Hoffman does a marvelous job in that role. Seriously. And I guess Tom Cruise does, too. (P.S. I did NOT know both of them were in that movie. Crazy?!) I could not watch Charlie Babbitt treat his brother with such contempt, such anger, such self-serving. Partially because it is sickening to see humanity so base, so far from what we were created to be ... it must have been a little taste of how God feels when He looks down at His creation gone so far astray. When I turned off the t.v., that must be a small part of what it's like when God turns His back to what His beloveds do. But I did not turn the t.v. back on and have chosen today not to finish the movie. I normally have a problem with not finishing things ... to an extent, at least (I also love to run away from things) ... but I am trying, as it comes up, to learn to let things go unfinished and be okay with that. I'm sure the movie is completely redeemed by the end, after all, it's a much-loved classic.

But I think what is more painful is that in the character of Charlie Babbitt, I also see reflections of myself. This is sometimes the marvelous thing about movies (sometimes it's the hardest). Movies can never be too far removed from the culture in which they are made and the people who make them. Somewhere there is Truth in them, but whether you see it or not is up to you mostly. There are some movies which are solely for enjoyment and you should not always analyze movies to find the Truth lurking in there. Return to Me for example. I do not think that it is a deep movie with profound spiritual Truth about honesty, secrets, relationships, destiny and community. It's true that those things are addressed and covered, but mostly it's a cute movie. That's fine. Rain Man, however, is more than just a cute movie. And the fact that I see part of myself, a disgusting part of myself, in Charlie Babbitt hurts. A lot. We have a new coworker at my shop and she is painfully slow and nearly incompetent. I do not treat her well. If my behavior toward her were filmed and put on a big screen. I think I would also turn it off and send it back. Only in my story I'm not fairly certain the behavior will be redeemed (if the person is) ... and I won't be getting a golden statuette for it.

I haven't sent Rain Man back yet, so I may still finish it and be glad that I did. Maybe I should finish it so that I can see and be reminded of the redemption of my actions and attitude, maybe the pain is good for me to go through to help me remember to beware of my choices and avoid making poor ones, especially as I relate to people.

For all the fluff I say about loving people, I don't often do it well. It's the second most important commandment and it's so hard. We only have to do two things in this life, and both of them are incredibly difficult. But not impossible. If we have Faith.

Your Love is Strong

Just a short note before I go to bed.

I really like God and I'm really enjoying reading His Scriptures these last couple of days. My reading has me going through Leviticus right now and it's true, it's full of rules. But at the same time, the rules are a lot of the time common sense principles (i.e. don't sleep with your daughter) and guidelines for living in community (i.e. do not murder, do not twist justice to favor the poor or the rich). But they also say so much, I think, about the LORD and what He considers important. He really thinks of a lot of things. Like He knows there are going to be poor people. No matter what. Soooo, He makes provision for them. He instructs the farmers not to glean everything out of their fields. When they drop something, leave it. Don't go back and pick it up. Don't take every bunch of grapes from the vine. Leave some. The poor will come and take it. Don't be greedy. It's also different from a straight-up hand out, though. The poor still have to come along and do the work of searching the field for what has been left behind. See? So much he thinks of! Then there are the random ones like "don't trim the hair of your temples or your beards." I don't get that one. But it must be important.

Side note: homosexuality is thrown in there right alongside don't sleep with your daughter or granddaughter or stepmother ... as in ... it's true, it's not how we were designed to be, it's not wholeness and it is sin against yourself and the other person ... but it is NOT in bold letters. It is not in all caps. There are no hashmarks indicating a trending topic (re: twitter). It's there. Very clearly. But it's also very clear that it's the same as all the rest. Just don't do it. If you do, when you do screw up, the steps for reconciliation and atonement have all been laid out already.

God thinks of everything.

Jon Foreman's "Your Love is Strong" has been running through my head ever since we sang it in church yesterday. What gets me the most is a variation on the Lord's prayer which he launches into very passionately. It's a poignant moment of the song. You should check it out.

"Two things You told me

That You are strong

And You love me

Yes, You love me

Your Love is, Your Love is, Your Love is

Strong

Our God in Heaven hallowed by They name above all names

Your kingdom come Your will be done

On Earth as it is in Heaven

Give us today our daily bread

Forgive us weary sinners

Keep us far from our vices

And deliver us from these prisons ..."

Amen.

Loving a Person

I've decided to take Lent seriously this year. And by seriously I mean, I am filled with joy and excitement about the season of Lent. I know. It's strange, right? Because Lent is the time when you give something that you really love in an act of penitence and contrition to remind us of how weak we are and how much we suck at life and how much we need Jesus and how He died for us because we can't even last 40 days without chocolate, coffee or Facebook. Right? True, Lent is maybe not in the running for gold medal of the holiday olympics. How can anyone hold a candle to Christmas? But it's about so much more than just giving up something convenient or generally delicious. I'm not exactly sure what that is, and I actually don't think that I will know at the end of this Lenten season, but I do anticipate some serious lessons being learned during this time of reflection and anticipation and remembrance and celebration this year. I can't explain it, I just know inside my spirit that I'm excited about this.

So here's a little of what my Lent plan is. Please don't read this as in a "look how awesome I am and all my plans for Lent this year. I'm such a good Christian, after Lent this year, I won't even NEED Easter." Not. True. But I know my heart so well, that I don't even feel like I need that disclaimer because I know how excited I am by all of this.

It is going to be a serious challenge in a lot of ways, but again, it seems fun to me. Note: I am one day in. I have already nearly failed several times, and probably have unwittingly failed.

The plan:

Traditional orthodox Great Lent fast.

No meat.

No dairy.

No eggs.

No fish.

No secular music.

No alcohol.

Do blog every day.

Do Scripture read every day.

Do pray.

Do read Book of Common Prayer every day.

Do read small group book every day.

Do read non-fiction every day.

Do read fiction every day.

Do celebrate Sabbaths/Sundays as "little Easters" aka. all rules rendered null. aka Party like it's 1999!

I also wanted to avoid: caffeine and extra sugar.

Read: No chocolate. No sugar added to my caffeine-free tea.

As I hate vegetables as a general rule, this fast is going to be incredibly difficult. I'm still undecided about the use of soy products as meat replacements and dairy replacements. I don't know if that counts as cheating. I'm going to try to do without them, but if I do start using soymilk and soyburgers, I don't think it's going to negate my entire experience.

Things I will be praying about especially during this time:

1. Direction and provision for this summer.

Some options:

Halo goes to Finland in August

Halo rehearses for Finland in June/July in Indiana

Halo rehearses somewhere else

Halo rehearses at a different time

Commonway sends a delegation to Kazakhstan in June/July

NRO festival in Breckinridge (if I am invited)

2. Direction and provision for the fall.

Some options:

Anything.

No.

Really.

Anything.

3. My friends.

Want me to pray for you? In general? About something specific? Let me have it! Because I'm committed to this. I've got you covered!

Things I have been thinking about.

1. My pride.

2. My tendency to open my mouth without thinking.

3. Am I called to wander or to settle? (Thanks Laura.)

4. The Pillar of Cloud/Fire that led the Israelites.

I've also decided to stop posting the lyrics for the songs that I attach to these posts. I've also decided to stop ALWAYS attaching a song to a post, unless I want to. I have felt in the past obligated to ... even though I'm only obligated to myself, but I have freed myself from it. Most will probably still have musical associations because that's how my brain and heart work together, but not all of them.

Today's does, though. And this song is related to the "Thing I have been thinking about. 1. My pride." I was listening to Donald Miller read Blue Like Jazz and he was talking about really liking people. And how people won't listen to you if you don't actually like them. They can tell when you're pretending. And I feel recently that I have been doing that. Like what I have to say or the way I live if more important or better than the way they do and they should change. And I'm going to pretend to like them and pretend I want them to change for their own good. So then this song came on my iTunes today and it seemed incredibly appropriate.

Sara Groves: Loving a Person

Die (it's a song)

I got really sad for the world tonight while at work. For kind of no apparent reason. A little old woman came in for her "medium french vanilla cappuccino." She's a regular. She has dentures and her speech pattern reminds me of the former associate pastor at my parent's/my childhood church. And I started thinking about all her stories that she has to tell. I wanted to ask her why she comes to Starbucks every day for a french vanilla cappuccino. It's not really something you HAVE to have to live. Really, coffee itself is something you can live without in general (although many of my morning customers will deny that). I wanted to ask her about her life. If she had ever been married. Where her husband was. If she had any children. What she had done in her life. I wanted her to know that her life mattered and had made an impact. Of course, I didn't do any of those. I asked Alicia to make her cappuccino instead, while I got her pumpkin cream cheese muffin to go. Then I went to the back and started doing some dishes while thinking about all of this. I got sad about the world and what the world thinks matters. About the vigor with which people pursue meaningless objects ... pleasure, what-have-you. I tried to love that woman a little bit, but she also annoyed me a little bit, and I ended up pitying her ... that may be what annoyed me. I am not very good at balancing pity and love. I don't know how to do that. It's something I was hoping to learn this summer, but I'm starting to think it will be a lesson my whole life.
I was thinking the other night, also, about the pursuit of pleasure and how it would make complete sense if you didn't believe in and know Christ. It's the most sensible thing in the world, really. (That's all on that for now.) But it still makes me sad that so many people live without leaving a mark on people's lives. I suppose everyone does leave some sort of mark ... they just don't know it, or aren't proud of it, etc. etc.

I had a customer ask me tonight "what is the meaning of life?" I asked if he wanted the legal answer or the one I actually believe. He asked for the real answer. I gave him the westminster catechism. "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever." He chewed on that a little while, while his daughter gave me her drink order. His daughter, incidentally, always reminds me of Mrs. Duckrow, a teacher and friend of my parent's in Guam. I was friends with her daughter, Sandy, if I remember correctly. Anyway. Then he asked me for the legal answer and I said "Growth." He decided I must be a college student. I said I had just finished my masters. He said "that makes sense."

Die
Iron & Wine

And though our fathers' fathers slept in stolen houses
All that's over now
And our babies never cry
And we can look you in the eye
And say, "we're not afraid to die"
And yes, our mothers' mothers saw in black and white
But all that's over now
And our children never lie
And no matter how hard we try
We are not afraid to die

Love Waits

I think as musicians we must all struggle at some time or another with worshiping music.
It is so beautiful, and affective, so good, it seems worthy of being worshiped.
As a Christian this is a problem, because we know we are to worship nothing but the one God, the LORD Jesus Christ.

Sometimes I love music so much that I want to put it in that place of highest esteem. But in thruth, this is not loving music at all. To love something truly is to put it and keep it in its right place.

If I truly love my fish (I'm sorry this is a horrible example), I will not take it out of its tank to carry it with me wherever I go. That would kill the fish. If I truly love it, I will leave it in its proper place, where it lives and thrives, where it will have a future.

If I truly love music, I ought not elevate it to the place of LORD in my life. This will only lead eventually to dischord (no pun intended), disappointment and resentment. When I put music in that place of God, I will then look to it for things I would look to God for. And music cannot provide those things. I will then be angry with music for not fulfilling my hopes. Now do I still love music? No, now I resent music. Our relationship is broken because the expectations were excessive and preposterous. If I really love music, which I do, then I leave it in its place of "really awesome" and messenger of God's worthiness, and love for me.

Music, please understand me when I do not elevate you to the status of God. It is not because I don't want to or I don't love you, in fact, I DO want to (after all, I understand you much better than I do God), but I leave you where you are because that is your place, your home in a sense, and where you belong. Because I love you, I will not worship you.


This song is actually called "Speak to me Gently," but I originally knew it as "Love Waits" which I frequently need reminded of, and oftentimes like better ...

Love Waits
future of forestry

sadness and rhyme
these are the times
these are the memories
we find a way
pushing through the day
so speak to me gently

can you just feel the time
falling from some place new?
can you just feel the sign?
love waits for you
love waits for you

i'm searching the stars
in desparate hours
bound to find meaning
God shows a face
in this desolate place
and tenderness meets me

can you just feel the time
falling from some place new?
can you just feel the sign?
love waits for you

stories untold
of redwoods grown old
reside in the forest
and there you can hear
a whispering tear
that speaks into our loneliness

can you just feel the time
falling from some place new?
can you just feel the sing?
love waits for you
love waits for you