Yellow

How does what you do affect who you are, your identity? And what's the difference between what you are and who you are? Is there one?

I intended to write this post about how I'm not a classical musician. I mean, yes, I play the oboe and I have been classically trained, but I am just really not a classical musician. You know how I know this? I hate to practice. Hate it. I have enjoyed it a few times this past week, and that's a miracle in and of itself, but really, last night and tonight, and most times when I practice, an anger and frustration wells up within me that is almost demonic. It's terrifying. I actually don't like classical music that much. Not so much as I like Music, anyway. I like classical music because it's music, not because it's classical. And I just plain ol' like music. Does that mean that I'm a musician, then? Not really, because I do like to create music, but I'd be just as happy sitting around listening to music all the time and reading a book or writing or what have you.

So what does that make me? Or who does that make me? And what in the world am I supposed to do with all of this?

I'm having a bit of trouble in my personal life right now, even though I've been remarkably motivated as of late, there are some consequences of previous laziness that I'm having to deal with. It came to a small sort of head on Saturday morning when I just wanted to run away until everything sorted itself out. Then over the Starbucks muzak, I heard a great cover of Coldplay's "Yellow." And it calmed me right down. I think the cover was by Jem, maybe?

And I was reminded of it again tonight when I got home from that frustrating practice session, I paused for a moment in my car and looked up at the stars that I could see. So two things I know:

1. I'm not a classical musician.

2. I love stars; they are my special calming agents.

Yellow

Coldplay/Jem

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And everything you do

Yeah, they were all yellow

I came along

I wrote a song for you

And everything you do

Yeah, it was called yellow

So then I took my turn

Oh what a thing to've done

And it was all yellow

Your skin

Oh yeah, your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

You know, you know I love you

You know I love you so

I swam across

I jumped across for you

Oh what a thing to do

'Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line

I drew a line for you

Oh what a thing to do

And it was all yellow

Your skin,

Oh yeah, your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

You know, for you I'd bleed myself dry

For you I'd bleed myself dry

It's true

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine for you

Look how they shine ...

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And all the things that you do