Sunday, March 7, 2010

What I want?

I keep saying that I'm going to get more serious about this blogging thing. That desire has been renewed yet again. One reason, my friend Gloria has started a wicked awesome blog that is sleek, entertaining and informative. I'm a little jealous! And inspired. A second reason, my friend Carl says I should be a book critic. His mom said I should be a book and music critic. I love that family. They take good care of me. But it makes me think I should be more diligent and disciplined about the writing I already do. Maybe I can put up some of my book reviews on here, etc. etc. But I'm not going to promise to be more serious, because we all know that I tend to break that promise a lot. Just look back through the history of this blog. Although Lent has been better. I'll give myself that. I wish I could have a recorder that would just record all my thoughts straight from my brain when they happen and then I could sift through them later. Because even though I keep a pad of paper/post-its and a writing utensil with me everywhere, sometimes either because of focus (or lack there of) or convenience/ease of writing at the time (i.e. driving) many thoughts get lost in the abyss because there's a disconnect between my brain and my pen. But if there were such a device, as could record my thoughts from my head, it would probably be ... creepy and potentially very dangerous. Think of it! Or don't, because the machine would capture those thoughts and use them against you. Now there's a horror story for you along the lines of 1984 meets Clarissa Explains it All. You know, the episode where she and her best friend Sam have to write a story and Sam suggests a story about someone who gets in the car to drive and then the doors lock automatically and the seatbelt automatically starts tightening and strangles the person. No wonder I'm so dark. That was my childhood t.v.! I will also choose to blame that show on my belief in best friends with no sexual undertones or tension. Thank goodness When Harry Met Sally straightened me up on all that.

Since that lesson on Tuesday I have been asking myself this question:

What do I want?

And today that question again came to the forefront of my thoughts, this time because someone else asked me that question. Well, that someone else was my pastor and he asked it to the whole congregation, but it might as well have been to me individually. It was amazing to see that question on the projector screen in bold white font against a stark black background. (Is there such a thing as a non-stark black?) But there it was. A real question to contend with. What does my character want?
I go back and forth between wanting comfort and wanting Life with a capital ife. Because Life with a capital L is Jesus, and that I've got, praise the Lord.
But as I sat in my chair during communion (because Lent forbids me from the taking of the holy sacrament until Easter, as per my understanding), a thought occurred to me.

What is something/are some things that I never ever regret after having done them?
Aside from brushing my teeth, showering, going to the bathroom, etc.
When I take a nap, I feel guilty because I should have been being productive (i.e. practice, reeds, laundry, reading, writing, 'rithmetic.)
When I read, I feel guilty because I should have been practicing.
When I practice, I feel guilty because I should not be so angry.
And by guilty, I don't really mean guilty, I mean ... regretful, I guess.


When I meet with people for coffee and go on adventures with people, I never regret it. Ever. Even awkward times. Seriously. At least, I can't recall any times that I regret it. Why? Because people are important. People are the point of life on Earth. Really. Truly. People make everything else worthwhile.
And generally writing. I don't regret writing when I do it ... although it's not always what I'd like it to be.
And driving. I don't regret driving. But let's focus on people.

With that thought and a recent discovery, I've decided to apply for a job. Yup. We'll see how it goes. But it does not require a music resume. It requires a real resume. Be praying for me!

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