Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Maps

I am not writing this to garner sympathy and encouragement.
Tonight I feel like I am a complete failure at ... life. No. At being a child. I am failing at living in community. I am failing at loving my parents. I am failing at thinking of other people above/before myself. I have failed. Yes. I am a failure. No. I am failing. Yes.

Today was my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. They're still married. That's a big deal. A really really big deal. Do you know when I saw them? About five minutes ago when I got home and peeked my head in the door of their room ... don't worry, I knocked and checked first. They were both konked out. I told them "Happy Anniversary" anyway. I am one of their children and I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THEM ON THEIR FORTIETH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!

They give and they give. And I take and I take and I ask for more. I know that's what parent's are supposed to do. But at some point, their children are also supposed to grow up and give back to them.

I am a living testament to their marriage, to their love for each other, to their commitment to each other. I know they were married before I was born. They had lives before me and they have lives after me, but still. I am a product of their marriage and I wasn't even there to celebrate that with them. Not even because I am out of town or anything like that. Just because my personal schedule didn't allow it because I didn't make it allow it.

I am really bad at this. I know we all are, but. Man. I blew it today. And I regret it. I was so productive and so proud of myself until I realized it was their anniversary. Their 40th. And I wasn't there.


Maps
Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs

Pack up
I'm straight
Enough
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say

Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...

Made off
Don't stray
My kind's your kind
I'll stay the same

Pack up
Don't stray
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say

Wait! they don't love you like i love you
Wait! they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-aps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...
Wait! they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-aps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...

Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...
Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...

1 comment:

amyrose said...

I know you said "no encouragement" but I just wanted you to know that you encourage me... in knowing that I'm not the only one who feels that way! Although, in my case right now it's the opposite: I feel like I'm failing at being a parent... I just sat and cried all through dinner last night because I can't get Hallie to stop biting me. I ask myself, "is this a phase, or am I failing, and she'll be that eight year old kid at the birthday party biting everyone?" and so I cried all over my grilled cheese and tomato soup. And I couldn't stop... so anyway, this is emphatically not to encourage you, but to let you know that you've made me feel less alone! I love you Heather.