Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Desire

"You have a responsibility to God to learn the desires of your heart."
--Pauliina Pölönen

It's on an orange star-shaped post-it note on my laptop wrist area. I have been thinking of it constantly. Here is what I think I know so far, tonight in no intentional order:

1. I want to live a comfortable life.
I know a lot of pastors, like John Piper, speak against living a merely comfortable life. And it's not that I want only to live a comfortable life in beautiful oblivion. I want to contribute and invest in the lives of the people around me. I don't mind necessarily relational or emotional discomfort. But I would like to be financially comfortable. I would like to live in a nice house. I would like a nice car. I would like to be able to eat well, and eat smart ... locally, fewer preservatives, which is more expensive ... I do not want to worry about bills. Now, I realize that worry is a choice to a certain extent, but for regular colloquial language ... I don't want to worry. I want a comfortable, but relevant, life.

2. I want to play in an orchestra.
I used to say I only wanted to play second oboe. But that's not necessarily true anymore. I would not mind being principal so much, I think. Not from an egotistical standpoint of wanting power and solos, etc. Yes, I do want to play the solos, because I think I can contribute something by my playing of them. I can say something with them, that maybe someone else's soul needs to hear. Not because I'm great, but because God has blessed me and music speaks to me, and if it speaks to me, then surely it speaks to someone else, right?

3. I want to be seen.
You know those looks that the hero always gives the heroine at some point in just about every movie? I want to be on the receiving ends of one of those looks. I want to be seen and loved. I want for someone, someone still walking on this Earth, to look at me and see my heart, and my value, and to treasure them.

4. I want to be known.
I would like for people I respect in the music world to know me and respect me. I would like to be the caliber of musician for people to recommend me as a coach, or a colleague, or a substitute musician. I would like people to talk about my solos.

I am not particularly proud of these things I've said. But they're honest. They're where I am right now.
Do the desires of our heart change as we grow? Or are there one or two constant things that run as a continual theme of desire throughout our life and those are our true desires?
I don't know. But this is what I have come up with so far. And if I type it out maybe I can process it better.

Desire
Ryan Adams

Two hearts fading
Like a flower
And all this waiting
For the power
For some answer
To this fire
Sinking slowly
The water's higher
Mmm
Desire.
Desire.

With no secrets
No obsession
This time I'm speeding
With no direction
Without a reason
What is this fire
Burning slowly
My one and only
Mmm
Desire.
Desire.

*harmonica solo*

You know me
You don't mind waiting
You just can't show me
But God I'm praying
That You'll find me
That You'll see me
That You'll run and
Never tire
Mmm
Desire.
Desire.

2 comments:

amyrose said...

I love that you think about things like this. I think those are all worthwhile desires, too.

I know for sure I'd recommend you as a musician.

Andy said...

I REMEMBER YOU PLAYING AT YOUR FINAL RECITAL AND THE PERFORMANCE OF ALL THE PIECES. THAT PERFORMANCE HAS STUCK WITH ME. ONE, BECAUSE I DON'T USUALLY GO TO THAT MANY OBOE RECITALS. AND TWO BECAUSE YOUR PLAYING WAS INSPIRATIONAL. I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT.

AND I READ YOUR BLOG. SUCKER!