Desire

"You have a responsibility to God to learn the desires of your heart."

--Pauliina Pölönen

It's on an orange star-shaped post-it note on my laptop wrist area. I have been thinking of it constantly. Here is what I think I know so far, tonight in no intentional order:

1. I want to live a comfortable life.

I know a lot of pastors, like John Piper, speak against living a merely comfortable life. And it's not that I want only to live a comfortable life in beautiful oblivion. I want to contribute and invest in the lives of the people around me. I don't mind necessarily relational or emotional discomfort. But I would like to be financially comfortable. I would like to live in a nice house. I would like a nice car. I would like to be able to eat well, and eat smart ... locally, fewer preservatives, which is more expensive ... I do not want to worry about bills. Now, I realize that worry is a choice to a certain extent, but for regular colloquial language ... I don't want to worry. I want a comfortable, but relevant, life.

2. I want to play in an orchestra.

I used to say I only wanted to play second oboe. But that's not necessarily true anymore. I would not mind being principal so much, I think. Not from an egotistical standpoint of wanting power and solos, etc. Yes, I do want to play the solos, because I think I can contribute something by my playing of them. I can say something with them, that maybe someone else's soul needs to hear. Not because I'm great, but because God has blessed me and music speaks to me, and if it speaks to me, then surely it speaks to someone else, right?

3. I want to be seen.

You know those looks that the hero always gives the heroine at some point in just about every movie? I want to be on the receiving ends of one of those looks. I want to be seen and loved. I want for someone, someone still walking on this Earth, to look at me and see my heart, and my value, and to treasure them.

4. I want to be known.

I would like for people I respect in the music world to know me and respect me. I would like to be the caliber of musician for people to recommend me as a coach, or a colleague, or a substitute musician. I would like people to talk about my solos.

I am not particularly proud of these things I've said. But they're honest. They're where I am right now.

Do the desires of our heart change as we grow? Or are there one or two constant things that run as a continual theme of desire throughout our life and those are our true desires?

I don't know. But this is what I have come up with so far. And if I type it out maybe I can process it better.

Desire

Ryan Adams

Two hearts fading

Like a flower

And all this waiting

For the power

For some answer

To this fire

Sinking slowly

The water's higher

Mmm

Desire.

Desire.

With no secrets

No obsession

This time I'm speeding

With no direction

Without a reason

What is this fire

Burning slowly

My one and only

Mmm

Desire.

Desire.

*harmonica solo*

You know me

You don't mind waiting

You just can't show me

But God I'm praying

That You'll find me

That You'll see me

That You'll run and

Never tire

Mmm

Desire.

Desire.