Colin's Beautiful World

I'm listening to last week's "This American Life" so this might be a little disjunct. Sorry.

Yet again. I'm like a broken record. There's been so much I've wanted to put on here, but generally it's while I'm driving, so of course, it doesn't make it. Because I can't type and drive at the same time. It's crazy, I know.

Anyway.

1. I love my family. Even when they drive me crazy. Seriously, they're great. Hilarious.

I'm writing this novel. I'm over 28,000 words. I want to start over and write a novel about my family instead. They're classic characters. Seriously. It would be true, but it would sound like fiction. Maybe it'll be the novel I write the other 11 months of the year. We'll see.

2. I had an audition in Chicago for the Grant Park Symphony. It was incredible. Soon I'm going to tell you all about it.

3. I'm re-reading The Furious Longing of God by Brennan Manning. It's so good. Better now than when I read it the first time. I must be at a good point, ready for it.

4. What I really wanted to write about was ... if my life were a movie ... what would the soundtrack be. And I want to know about your lives too. So respond in the comments.

If your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

This will be an ongoing project. Clearly, since my life is not yet over.

So far I've got these.

1. Jimmy Buffett -- Little Miss Magic

?. Snow Patrol -- Open Your Eyes

?+-. Willie Nelson -- On the Road Again

?+. Ingrid Michaelson -- Far Away

I know, very thorough. Those question marks mean I don't know what number they'd be on the soundtrack because I don't know how many songs would be in between.

So tell me. Yours? Two projects, okay, Three:

1. Read The Furious Longing of God

2. What's the soundtrack of your life

3. What's the soundtrack of your life right now, just at this stage of your life?

Beautiful World

Colin Hay

My my my, it's a beautiful world

I like swimming in the sea

I like to go out beyond the white breakers

Where a man can still be free

(Or a woman if you are one)

I like swimming in the sea

My my my, it's a beautiful world

I like drinking Irish tea

With a little bit of Lapsang Souchongi

I like making my own tea

My my my, it's a beautiful world

I like driving in my car

I roll the top down

Sometimes I travel quite far

Drive to the ocean

And stare up at the stars

I like driving in my car

All around is anger

Automatic guns

There's death in large numbers

No respect for women

Or our little ones

I tried talking to Jesus

But He just put me on hold

Said He'd been swamped by calls this week

And He could not shake His cold

But still this emptiness persists

Perhaps this is as good as it gets

When you've given up the drink

And those nasty cigarettes

Now I leave the party early

At least with no regrets

I watch the sun when it comes up

I watch it as it sets

Yeah this is as good as it gets

My my my, it's a beautiful world

I like sleeping with Marie

she is one sexy girl

Full of mystery

She says she doesn't love me

But she likes my company

For now that's good enough for me

My my my, it's a beautiful world

I like swimming in the sea

I like to go out beyond the white breakers

Where a man can still be free

(Or a woman if you are one)

I like swimming in the sea

Eeeee

Desire

"You have a responsibility to God to learn the desires of your heart."

--Pauliina Pölönen

It's on an orange star-shaped post-it note on my laptop wrist area. I have been thinking of it constantly. Here is what I think I know so far, tonight in no intentional order:

1. I want to live a comfortable life.

I know a lot of pastors, like John Piper, speak against living a merely comfortable life. And it's not that I want only to live a comfortable life in beautiful oblivion. I want to contribute and invest in the lives of the people around me. I don't mind necessarily relational or emotional discomfort. But I would like to be financially comfortable. I would like to live in a nice house. I would like a nice car. I would like to be able to eat well, and eat smart ... locally, fewer preservatives, which is more expensive ... I do not want to worry about bills. Now, I realize that worry is a choice to a certain extent, but for regular colloquial language ... I don't want to worry. I want a comfortable, but relevant, life.

2. I want to play in an orchestra.

I used to say I only wanted to play second oboe. But that's not necessarily true anymore. I would not mind being principal so much, I think. Not from an egotistical standpoint of wanting power and solos, etc. Yes, I do want to play the solos, because I think I can contribute something by my playing of them. I can say something with them, that maybe someone else's soul needs to hear. Not because I'm great, but because God has blessed me and music speaks to me, and if it speaks to me, then surely it speaks to someone else, right?

3. I want to be seen.

You know those looks that the hero always gives the heroine at some point in just about every movie? I want to be on the receiving ends of one of those looks. I want to be seen and loved. I want for someone, someone still walking on this Earth, to look at me and see my heart, and my value, and to treasure them.

4. I want to be known.

I would like for people I respect in the music world to know me and respect me. I would like to be the caliber of musician for people to recommend me as a coach, or a colleague, or a substitute musician. I would like people to talk about my solos.

I am not particularly proud of these things I've said. But they're honest. They're where I am right now.

Do the desires of our heart change as we grow? Or are there one or two constant things that run as a continual theme of desire throughout our life and those are our true desires?

I don't know. But this is what I have come up with so far. And if I type it out maybe I can process it better.

Desire

Ryan Adams

Two hearts fading

Like a flower

And all this waiting

For the power

For some answer

To this fire

Sinking slowly

The water's higher

Mmm

Desire.

Desire.

With no secrets

No obsession

This time I'm speeding

With no direction

Without a reason

What is this fire

Burning slowly

My one and only

Mmm

Desire.

Desire.

*harmonica solo*

You know me

You don't mind waiting

You just can't show me

But God I'm praying

That You'll find me

That You'll see me

That You'll run and

Never tire

Mmm

Desire.

Desire.

Hymn #101

Okay, so. Since the LORD told me over this summer that I will be single until I'm thirty. And now that I've accepted this to be truth, it has occurred to me that maybe I should begin to think about starting to answer the inevitable follow-up question which is, of course ...

"What do I do until then?"

I don't know. I haven't really any idea how God wants to use me in the course of these next five years, or so. Why is He keeping me this way until then? For what purpose?

Writing my novel. I've gotten to approximately 6,299 words. Still a few thousand behind where the daily average should be, but it's going well. Today was a little difficult ... I got words in, but I'm not sure they make sense. Previous days have been fun adventures learning things about these characters. I scoffed at people who said they take on a life of their own ... but it's true! I don't know these people at all ... they're surprising me. And yet, I know them intimately because each one of them has parts of me -- for better or for worse. Maybe God feels a little bit this way ... only whatever part of us is part of Him is for better ... never for worse.

Also. Ponder this:

"You have a responsibility to God to learn the desires of your heart."

My friend Pauliina said that. Well, skyped that. Typed that. And even then, I KNOW it was Jesus through her fingers.

I guess that statement is the beginning of the answer to the question I posed earlier. If I learn the desires of my heart, that just may lead me to my purpose in the next five years.

Either way, I think it's an awesome thought and I'm enjoying just enjoying the thought ... not even completely working it out, yet. I know things will get worked out as they should. No worries.

Check out this next song. It can be found on YouTube. It's great!

Hymn #101

Joe Pug

And I've come to know the wish list of my father
I've come to know the shipwrecks where he's been
I've come to wish allow
Among the overdressed crowd
Come to witness now the sinking of this ship
Throwing pennies from the sea top next to it

And I've come to roam the forest
Past the village
With a dozen lazy horses in my cart
I've come here to get high
To do more than just get by
I've come to test the timber of my heart
Oh I've come to test the timber of my heart

And I've come
To be untroubled in my seeking
And I've come
To see that nothing is for not
I've come to reach out blind
To reach forward and behind
For the more I seek
The more I'm sought
Yea the more I seek
The more I'm sought

And I've come to meet the sheriff
And his posse
To offer him the broad side of my jaw
I've come here to get broke
And maybe bum a smoke
We'll go drinking two towns over after all
Oh we'll go drinking two towns over after all

And I've come to meet the legendary takers
I've only come to ask them for a lot
Aw they say I come with less
Than I should rightfully possess
I say: The more I buy
The more I'm bought
And the more I'm bought
The less I cost

And I've come
To take their servants and their surplus
And I've come
To take their rain coats and their speed
I've come to get my fill
To ransack and spill
I've come to take the harvest for the seed
I've come to take the harvest for the seed

And I've come to know the manger you sleep in
I've come to be the stranger that you keep
I've come from down the road
And my footsteps never slowed
Before we met I knew we'd meet
Before we met I knew we'd meet

And I've come here to ignore you cries and heartaches
I've come to closely listen to you sing
I've come here to insist
That I leave here with a kiss
I've come to say exactly what I mean
And I mean so many things

And you've come
To know me stubborn as a bitcher
And you've come
To know me thankless as a guest
But will you recognize my face
When God's awful grace
Strips me of my jacket and my vest
And reveals all the treasure in my chest.

Maps

I am not writing this to garner sympathy and encouragement.

Tonight I feel like I am a complete failure at ... life. No. At being a child. I am failing at living in community. I am failing at loving my parents. I am failing at thinking of other people above/before myself. I have failed. Yes. I am a failure. No. I am failing. Yes.

Today was my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. They're still married. That's a big deal. A really really big deal. Do you know when I saw them? About five minutes ago when I got home and peeked my head in the door of their room ... don't worry, I knocked and checked first. They were both konked out. I told them "Happy Anniversary" anyway. I am one of their children and I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THEM ON THEIR FORTIETH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!

They give and they give. And I take and I take and I ask for more. I know that's what parent's are supposed to do. But at some point, their children are also supposed to grow up and give back to them.

I am a living testament to their marriage, to their love for each other, to their commitment to each other. I know they were married before I was born. They had lives before me and they have lives after me, but still. I am a product of their marriage and I wasn't even there to celebrate that with them. Not even because I am out of town or anything like that. Just because my personal schedule didn't allow it because I didn't make it allow it.

I am really bad at this. I know we all are, but. Man. I blew it today. And I regret it. I was so productive and so proud of myself until I realized it was their anniversary. Their 40th. And I wasn't there.

Maps

Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs

Pack up
I'm straight
Enough
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say

Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...

Made off
Don't stray
My kind's your kind
I'll stay the same

Pack up
Don't stray
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say

Wait! they don't love you like i love you
Wait! they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-aps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...
Wait! they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-aps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...

Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...
Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait!
They don't love you like i love you...