What Sarah Said

My grandmother. Is 95. Her name is Dorothy and she's the mother of my father. She is a little bit of a hellraiser of a woman, or used to be in her day. Now she is 95 and only recently is every bit as old as that sounds. A few years back she had a major stroke which slowed her down significantly, but before that she would gallivant all around this country and WORLD even with her various grandchildren, loving people and loving life. My grandfather Harold returned Home about 18 years ago now. But he has never left my grandmother. And even though she lost a big part of herself then, she has stilled lived life just as much as anyone ever has. But now her body has finally caught up with her age. She is in an assisted living facility. It's marvelous there, really. But still. It's not quite the same. It's like a nursery, or a zoo, or an acquarium. Full of old people. Many of whom still have the spirit to live, but the bodies can't keep up. I don't go see my grandmother very often anymore. I can't stand to see her deteriorate the way she has. I know it's even worse for her, since it's HER body that won't keep up. Her mind is still pretty sharp, but all of her senses are letting her down, so she seems crazy, but it's just because she's not getting all the input that the rest of us get. Her responses and comments make perfect sense based on the information she's receiving.
I love my grandma dearly and I always WANT to go spend time with her, but then I think of how difficult it is for her to hear and speak and see and move. I get exhausted just worrying about it. I know how long it takes to have a conversation with her. But I know that I should go. I know she'd love to see me ... heck, she watched me grow, literally. She's lived in my parent's house since my grandpa died. But I just can't make myself go out there and see her. And smell the building, and see the old people that I can't do anything to help.
There's a Death Cab for Cutie song called "What Sarah Said." In it there's a line that says "love is watching someone die." And I know that's true and I want to have that kind of love for my grandmother, but it's so hard. So hard to make myself leave my comfortable world and go out there just to spend time with her.

Awaken ye Sleepers

Today has already been a stretch in my adventure of a week of no background noise. I have caught myself so many times just about to grab my iPod or open iTunes or hit the radio button when I take a shower. But I haven't done it. My father on the other hand, being unaware of my week-long resolution, does. And I didn't even realize that I sat at the kitchen table today for an hour with the t.v. on as background noise because he'd turned it on.
Unfortunately, I spent just as much time online and in a mostly unproductive state, regardless of the status of my background noise. I'm not sure what to glean from this as of yet.

Here is my question of ponderance for tonight, though ...

Are there people who just don't have souls that will be awakened? Can you awaken someone's soul if it so far dormant they seem not to even have desires beyond suriving? How?
It's a general world question and also a personal question.
I find myself thinking about moving to Finland and investing in people's lives there, building small communities and I was thinking about meeting people for coffee and talking. They would say something and I would respond like "why do you think you do that?" and then they would say either "well ... thought-out answer that reveals a deeper part of themselves" or "I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it." Then they'd go away and think about it. Now, I know that life doesn't really work out that way. And if that's what I want to do, I might as well do it in Muncie just as well as Finland. (But that's also another story.) But I also then find myself doubting whether I can actually help awaken someone's soul. I know it's really the Holy Spirit who does the soul awakening. He's the only one who can speak to us in the voice and the language our souls understand, but still ... I doubt that I can be that person. At least, I don't think I can be that person for people who don't already think along that line (and it sometimes baffles me to think that there are those people, because ... well, I think that way). I know I can be an aid to those who already think that way, because I have been. But can I help people think that way if they don't already? Should I even try to help them? Is it a good way to think? I assume it is, but is it?
Lots of questions with non-postcardable answers (to take an idea from N.T. Wright). But that's what I was thinking on my musicless bike ride home.

4'33"

I decided today to spend this week without background noise. I always have some sort of noise going on around me ... sermons or music going in the background. Now, I recognize that we all have some sort of noise going on around us. But I'm talking about the stuff that I am in control of.

So what this is going to accomplish or to do, I don't know. What this is going to look like, I don't know. How it's going to affect me, I don't know. But it seems like a good idea; I've read a few articles and heard a few comments and sermons about the discipline of silence, so I'll give it a go. I'll try to keep you apprised as to how it goes and if you want to join me in it and let me know how it goes for you ... if you experience anything tangible or intangible, if you hear God's voice more clearly, if you stop hearing His voice, etc. ... you're more than welcome!