Desire

"You have a responsibility to God to learn the desires of your heart."

--Pauliina Pölönen

It's on an orange star-shaped post-it note on my laptop wrist area. I have been thinking of it constantly. Here is what I think I know so far, tonight in no intentional order:

1. I want to live a comfortable life.

I know a lot of pastors, like John Piper, speak against living a merely comfortable life. And it's not that I want only to live a comfortable life in beautiful oblivion. I want to contribute and invest in the lives of the people around me. I don't mind necessarily relational or emotional discomfort. But I would like to be financially comfortable. I would like to live in a nice house. I would like a nice car. I would like to be able to eat well, and eat smart ... locally, fewer preservatives, which is more expensive ... I do not want to worry about bills. Now, I realize that worry is a choice to a certain extent, but for regular colloquial language ... I don't want to worry. I want a comfortable, but relevant, life.

2. I want to play in an orchestra.

I used to say I only wanted to play second oboe. But that's not necessarily true anymore. I would not mind being principal so much, I think. Not from an egotistical standpoint of wanting power and solos, etc. Yes, I do want to play the solos, because I think I can contribute something by my playing of them. I can say something with them, that maybe someone else's soul needs to hear. Not because I'm great, but because God has blessed me and music speaks to me, and if it speaks to me, then surely it speaks to someone else, right?

3. I want to be seen.

You know those looks that the hero always gives the heroine at some point in just about every movie? I want to be on the receiving ends of one of those looks. I want to be seen and loved. I want for someone, someone still walking on this Earth, to look at me and see my heart, and my value, and to treasure them.

4. I want to be known.

I would like for people I respect in the music world to know me and respect me. I would like to be the caliber of musician for people to recommend me as a coach, or a colleague, or a substitute musician. I would like people to talk about my solos.

I am not particularly proud of these things I've said. But they're honest. They're where I am right now.

Do the desires of our heart change as we grow? Or are there one or two constant things that run as a continual theme of desire throughout our life and those are our true desires?

I don't know. But this is what I have come up with so far. And if I type it out maybe I can process it better.

Desire

Ryan Adams

Two hearts fading

Like a flower

And all this waiting

For the power

For some answer

To this fire

Sinking slowly

The water's higher

Mmm

Desire.

Desire.

With no secrets

No obsession

This time I'm speeding

With no direction

Without a reason

What is this fire

Burning slowly

My one and only

Mmm

Desire.

Desire.

*harmonica solo*

You know me

You don't mind waiting

You just can't show me

But God I'm praying

That You'll find me

That You'll see me

That You'll run and

Never tire

Mmm

Desire.

Desire.

Hymn #101

Okay, so. Since the LORD told me over this summer that I will be single until I'm thirty. And now that I've accepted this to be truth, it has occurred to me that maybe I should begin to think about starting to answer the inevitable follow-up question which is, of course ...

"What do I do until then?"

I don't know. I haven't really any idea how God wants to use me in the course of these next five years, or so. Why is He keeping me this way until then? For what purpose?

Writing my novel. I've gotten to approximately 6,299 words. Still a few thousand behind where the daily average should be, but it's going well. Today was a little difficult ... I got words in, but I'm not sure they make sense. Previous days have been fun adventures learning things about these characters. I scoffed at people who said they take on a life of their own ... but it's true! I don't know these people at all ... they're surprising me. And yet, I know them intimately because each one of them has parts of me -- for better or for worse. Maybe God feels a little bit this way ... only whatever part of us is part of Him is for better ... never for worse.

Also. Ponder this:

"You have a responsibility to God to learn the desires of your heart."

My friend Pauliina said that. Well, skyped that. Typed that. And even then, I KNOW it was Jesus through her fingers.

I guess that statement is the beginning of the answer to the question I posed earlier. If I learn the desires of my heart, that just may lead me to my purpose in the next five years.

Either way, I think it's an awesome thought and I'm enjoying just enjoying the thought ... not even completely working it out, yet. I know things will get worked out as they should. No worries.

Check out this next song. It can be found on YouTube. It's great!

Hymn #101

Joe Pug

And I've come to know the wish list of my father
I've come to know the shipwrecks where he's been
I've come to wish allow
Among the overdressed crowd
Come to witness now the sinking of this ship
Throwing pennies from the sea top next to it

And I've come to roam the forest
Past the village
With a dozen lazy horses in my cart
I've come here to get high
To do more than just get by
I've come to test the timber of my heart
Oh I've come to test the timber of my heart

And I've come
To be untroubled in my seeking
And I've come
To see that nothing is for not
I've come to reach out blind
To reach forward and behind
For the more I seek
The more I'm sought
Yea the more I seek
The more I'm sought

And I've come to meet the sheriff
And his posse
To offer him the broad side of my jaw
I've come here to get broke
And maybe bum a smoke
We'll go drinking two towns over after all
Oh we'll go drinking two towns over after all

And I've come to meet the legendary takers
I've only come to ask them for a lot
Aw they say I come with less
Than I should rightfully possess
I say: The more I buy
The more I'm bought
And the more I'm bought
The less I cost

And I've come
To take their servants and their surplus
And I've come
To take their rain coats and their speed
I've come to get my fill
To ransack and spill
I've come to take the harvest for the seed
I've come to take the harvest for the seed

And I've come to know the manger you sleep in
I've come to be the stranger that you keep
I've come from down the road
And my footsteps never slowed
Before we met I knew we'd meet
Before we met I knew we'd meet

And I've come here to ignore you cries and heartaches
I've come to closely listen to you sing
I've come here to insist
That I leave here with a kiss
I've come to say exactly what I mean
And I mean so many things

And you've come
To know me stubborn as a bitcher
And you've come
To know me thankless as a guest
But will you recognize my face
When God's awful grace
Strips me of my jacket and my vest
And reveals all the treasure in my chest.