Maybe Tonight

I might have a problem. I'm afraid I try to make people what I want them to be, instead of letting them be who they are or who they want to be. I was just looking through some pictures of friends on Facebook (of course) and it made me think that maybe they're afraid to be who they really are around me. And maybe I don't let them be who they are, because I want them to be something else. That's not very nice of me, now, is it? I don't do it on purpose. Maybe it comes out of pride. Because I value my image of them more than themselves. I hope I can pay more attention to this in my interactions with people. And hopefully that attention will cause whatever I'm doing to make them feel that way decrease. I judge too much, maybe. Yes, yes I do.

On a happier, but stranger, note. It's been feeling a lot more like Christmas to me lately. More so than it did leading up to Christmas. Way more so than it did on Christmas since we were in China, and Christmas there ... maybe they celebrate it, but it seemed like they really just decorated for it and then skipped over the celebration part. Then again, the orchestra spent all Christmas day traveling and playing a concert. We did have a party though. Probably the first Christmas I ever 1. peed in a hole (shortly after midnight, as part of a 6+-hour bus ride to Beijing) and 2. experienced salsa dancing. I wish I could say I actually salsa danced, but I didn't. Just wanted the rest of the orchestra. But still. First Christmas party I've ever been to where there was salsa dancing. Thanks Spain!

So I've been listening to Relevant Magazine's "The Drop" this evening. It's this great streaming service from their website. They choose an album every few weeks and stream the entire thing on their website for free. It's pretty great. Since I've been feeling pretty Christmas-y lately, I thought it apropos that one of the artists I found on this said website was Carl-Eric Tangen, whose album is reflecting on Advent and Christmas. So tonight's lyrics are from one of his songs. The picture is from Graz one night that Christian and I went walking. It was a delightful evening, if difficult.

Schlossberg in Graz on a winter night.

Maybe Tonight

Fair thee well
This cold, cold heart is down by one
Seafaring man
Such as my father said that you would come
Maybe tonight, maybe tonight

Angelic flight
Are you hovering o'er me tonight?
Cause I see the fog
Caused by my breath in the beam of a broken light
Sometime maybe tonight
Sometime maybe tonight

See the star
Shining brighter than anything before
Men from afar
And from the hills come running to sing along
Sometime maybe tonight
Sometime maybe tonight

You are my breath in the beam of a broken light
You are my breath in the beam of a broken light
You are my breath in the beam of a broken light
You are the thing that reminds that I'm alive

And you are my breath in the beam of a broken light
You are the thing that reminds me I'm alive
And you are the road that I travel down at night
Still you are my breath in the beam of a broken light
You are the thing that reminds me I'm alive
Maybe tonight, maybe tonight

Better

Just made it back to civilization, I mean. Graz. Everyone is fine. All luggage is accounted for. And now it's time for bed. But we did have a lovely walk to Christian's apartment. It was long because we were tired, but it was beautiful because it's snowing again. Not like angry China snow that eats away at your bones down to the marrow ... but gentle Graz snow, welcoming us back and making things look new and clean. Thanks, Graz. I like you too. Another update will come tomorrow since I am allowed to update a blog in this country. No bitterness, though. Yes!

Song: Better
Artist: Regina Spektor.

I keep singing it when I wake up from any number of naps I've taken in the last few days of travel by bus and plane.

Fix You

Here I am in Graz. In the kitchen. On Michael's computer, because mine has decided not to recognize the internet here. Fail. Graz, however, is a success. Yes!

The trip here was long, but went by quickly. The theme for the trip was "second try's a charm." Beautiful Jessica took me to the airport after a delightful stay with the Wilders. She took me to the terminal that was written on the ticket, but that, it turns out, was in fact not the terminal from which my flight was departing. So I lugged all my crap down through O'Hare and found the right terminal. Still ended up being about 45 minutes early for my flight. So I grabbed some Starbucks and watched the special airport news channel all about new airplanes coming out, the President's daily speech and a little Asian kid playing Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" on his ukulele and making up the words. His pitch is incredibly good. Look it up on YouTube.

Got to London fine. It was a smooth ride, full of movies -- Julie and Julia and Bolt and very little sleeping. I sat by a very large man, but it seems his heart was as big as his body. So that was okay.

When I got to London, I gathered my luggage at the Gatwick airport, got a bus to Heathrow and got off the bus at Terminal 5, which according to the woman at the desk, was the correct terminal. According to the airport, however, I needed Terminal 3. So I took a shuttle to Terminal 3 and of course went in at the opposite end of where my check-in desk was. By the time I arrived at the check-in, I was informed that I had to wait until 2 hours before my flight to check my bag. No problem. I sat down, read a book, almost fell asleep and THEN checked my bag before changing my money and continuing through security. No problems, except that my gate was still not assigned. So I sat in a big communal area and watched people, making up stories for them. I grabbed some Starbucks pasta salad and an iced chai. After first being forgotten about completely, I finally got my chai and was sorely disappointed by both the salad and the chai. The chai was made incorrectly and tasted terrible. It's a pretty difficult drink to mess up, but they did. The pasta salad was not delicious, but I figure it was also because I seem to have stopped eating recently. That's a different ball of wax.

Finally got on my flight, had a pleasant flight to Vienna ... not full, plenty of space, and fitfully slept. Probably making a fool of myself. Once in Vienna and having gathered my bags, I stumbled around trying to interpret signs and German to figure out how to get the train to Graz. I found some English speakers and they helped me out quite a bit. Except when it came down to it, they send me on the right train ... the wrong direction. Oops! I figured it out after a few stops and had to make up the time, except of course, I had nothing to do with that. So I rode it out, thinking I had an 8:30 train that would arrive in Graz at 10:30. The truth was, I was supposed to have an 8:00 train that arrived in Graz at 10:30. I missed it. So I had to take the 9:00 train and I thought I would arrive at 11:00, but in truth, I arrived at 11:30. I was a little concerned, but it turned out fine. Then we took a bus to Christian's place and here we are!

We had a party with Christian's roommate, neighbors and two of their friends and that was delightful. Sebastian is Christian's roommate, Oliver and Anna are his neighbors and Steffi and Lucas are their friends from Oliver's hometown in Austria. I also met Daniel, one of Christian's friends from church who came to visit, and arrived while I was napping. A little embarrassing, but I think this trip will be full of those, so I better knock my pride down from the beginning.

I think my German is better than I allow myself to think. I have been able to understand a little, but when I say "a little" I really mean a very little. Still, I consider it a feat. I'm pretty sure I'll learn and understand something if I just keep listening.

The food has been great. The fellowship has been wonderful. Julie just arrived and she and Michael are on their way out to a strings-only rehearsal (it's good to be an oboist). And I'm going to cut some vegetables to have ready for dinner tonight. More Strudel tonight followed by another Christmas party with a Christian fellowship with Phil and his roommate. Huzzah!

One of the most poignant moments for me thus far has been waiting for the bus to take me to Heathrow when Coldplay came up on my iPod. To hear Coldplay in the city where they're from was a good moment from me. It wasn't live, but it was something.

So in honor of that, today's song is the song I heard on my iPod.

Fix You

Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you