Cleveland Stories

There are a few things that have been on my mind almost constantly as of late:
-- my move to Cleveland
-- Donald Miller's book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
-- Commonway church's sermon series on story
And I'm beginning to come to a point where I can see all three of these things overlapping, as so many things in life are want to do, right?

So here's what I'm starting to think:
-- If I am the protagonist in my own story (as The Holiday points out)
-- And the elements that make a good story make a good life
-- And that one of the elements of a good story is character: character development, strong character and a character who wants something, worthy of wanting and obtaining through conflict
-- And if one of the reasons I'm moving to Cleveland is because my protagonist (me) has not been going down a path leading to the character she (I) wants to be and it would be foolish to think the other elements, like setting, could stay the same but the character would develop differently. I mean, that's counter to the laws of physics and nature, right?
-- Then perhaps now is one of those points of a story where something changes in the story; perhaps now is the time to tell a different story or take my current story to a different depth or change my perspective

So how do I do this? Or what will this look like?
That's sort of what's been consuming my thoughts these days and here are a couple of really practical small steps:
-- attend Donald Miller's seminar in Portland about living a story worth telling
-- take a few classes to work towards a M.A. in English (Creative Writing) at Cleveland State University, taking about one class a semester starting after the New Year

Of course, the seminar is really expensive and the classes are not so cheap either, I guess ... school never is. Sooo, you may have to sit through a few trial blog posts, but I'm going to enter a competition to just win a trip to the seminar. Seems cheap enough to me, right?

On another note, or two:
I had a delightful day sitting with one of my coworkers and talking about music
And my next musical recommendation is: LCD Soundsystem. They're pretty silly, but brought me a lot of joy on my bike ride today.
Also: I just saw a Mercedes-Benz commercial that sounded like Arcade Fire takes on Beethoven Symphony No. 9

Chicago: 14, Cleveland: 15

Well, I've been debating for a long time now. Weighing my options trying to decide where to move in the fall, after all the adventures of the Halo Ensemble in Europe have come to a close. Chicago is where my heart is and looks like where Halo will be ... eventually. But when it came down to it, Cleveland made the most sense and has the most to offer for me. So I'm going to keep playing in the Erie Philharmonic (if they'll keep me) and I'll keep working at Starbucks (if they'll let me transfer) and I'm going to try to save money, pay off more of my student loans and credit card bills and get an English horn, etc etc. And I'm going to do it all in ... Cleveland. Let the new chapter begin! Cleveland's a little bit like my own personal Ninevah, and I can't say I feel particularly called there, but it does seem that I am most set-up for life there. So here goes. I don't want to be eaten by a big fish, even if I do get spit back up eventually. I can't imagine how many showers I'd have to take to wash that stench off.

The Gamut of Emotions

Isn't amazing how many different emotions and emotional states a person can go through in a very short amount of time? I went from happy to angry to relaxed to anxious to even more relaxed to happy to ready to sad. All today! Those last few were in the course of thirty minutes! No joke!

So first thing's first. I have another confession to make. I went to the store yesterday to get some soy milk and I was so consumed with getting delicious tasting soy milk that I got chocolate Silk light, not realizing that it was chocolate and therefore not part of my regimen. Woops! So now I have a half gallon of chocolate soy milk and I don't know what to do with it. Drink it anyway? Remembering my sinful nature *wink*? Only drink it on Sundays? That seems a waste of a perfectly good Sunday of break! But then again, is that the consequence of sin? No, because we've been redeemed! Ach! What to do? And it's only soy milk!

So I was really feeling good about writing and then I checked my email and got the response from my Louisville audition which was ... terrible. Nothing short of. And I wasn't just crazy, it was really bad. To the point that the email said the committee determined I was not "'qualified'". I kid you not. The "qualified" was in quotation marks. Oh dear. So many things. I'm not really that upset, except that I know it was not an accurate depiction of my playing. I know I actually AM qualified for a sub list, but ... man. I just didn't do it that day. Watching the olympics, I guess I realize that it happens to everyone. Thanks, sports, for making me feel somehow a little less bad. But I still want to cry a little bit just sitting in my parents living room.

But to end on a positive note ... what I WAS excited about. You know, from my first Lent post, that one of the things I want to be praying about is what to do in the fall, where to be, etc. And I keep getting the sense that Chicago is not where I need to be in the fall. As much as I love the city and want to be there so badly, now is not yet the time. I am getting the feeling that a time will come for me to live in Chicago. Maybe even next year, but for now, not. I'm still going to hope for good news from Civic, and if that works out, then Chicago here I come! But. If not, that's okay.

Now, I am thinking more and more seriously about Cleveland. I've said over and over that I do not want to move to Cleveland, but it does make the most sense. If moving to Cleveland gets me 1. out of the house 2. closer to the job 3. still making money, maybe even more since I can work during the week of the Erie gigs instead of taking the week off. I do have community there. I know they'd like for me to move there. It seems to make sense. I just don't care of the city. But for a little while, it could work. We'll just have to see what comes of auditions, etc.

But I feel a little bit of peace about it.

Also, I think I need to get a pet. Not a fish. Fish don't count. Wherever I move, I'd like to live by myself, but that means I'm going to need another warm body in the apartment. I'd really like to have a dog, but those are 1. more work and 2. more money. So I may be a cat person for a little while. Two things I don't particularly care for 1. cats and 2. Cleveland. So maybe I'll become a different person for a little while. That's okay.

Washed by the Water

Sorry this one is so long.

I had a rather delightful day today, really. Fairly productive. I stayed up very late last night just chatting with Bobby, remembering things about MasterWorks of the past … distant and not-so. Reminiscing about the trip with Halo and processing life post-Halo. Then I woke up at a fairly reasonable hour and went for a little jaunt around Little Italy. Half jogging, half walking. Sat on the balcony for a little while, took a shower, read some more of War & Peace … I’m almost finished!! Then I went grocery shopping for a couple hours … seriously … it takes a long time to get places and find things if you’re not used to the roads or the grocery set-ups. Then I spent a few hours in the kitchen getting dinner ready and failing at making a dessert, no big deal ... I learned about what sugar does if the stove is too hot, at least.
Dinner was pasta salad, apricot chicken and mashed potatoes. And I have to say it was quite a success! Hooray!!! Then I helped Andrew and Erica paint their attic in preparation of an exchange coming to live with them for a few months.
All in all, very lovely.

While I was painting with Andrew and Erica we were talking about life and God and plans, etc. Andrew pointed out that my blogs sound a little melancholy, which I thought was a nice way of saying that, and I reckon they do sound a little that way. Which is somewhat true, I mean, I am struggling a little with the home life mental attitude (mentittude). But all in all, really life is good. There are great things happening in my life. And I am surrounded by beautiful people, the frustration becomes that I can’t spend the kind of time I’d like to with all of them, because there just isn’t that much time, or our schedules don’t line up, or what-have-you. So really, to have the problem of too many people to invest in, is not such a bad problem to have. It threw me off a little when he pointed that out, because I’m not typically a melancholy person, though I have times marked by that mood … and I don’t always mind them. So I was thinking about why my blogs sound that way … and maybe part of it is, it seems more interesting to read someone’s blog who is struggling. I don’t know why, but a thought in my head says “who wants to read someone’s blog if they’re happy all the time?” But that’s totally untrue! Two women who have the most beautiful joyful spirits I’ve ever seen have blogs that I read and that are good and have deep thoughts and they are still striving, but they aren’t cynical or melancholy. Not that it’s bad to be those things sometimes, but … let’s be honest … cynicism is not a fruit of the spirit … but Joy is.

I’m not saying I’m necessarily going to change my blog posts from now on and only be happy. They probably will be somewhat melancholy for a time, until I have had more certainty from the Lord as to where I should be and what I should be doing. Or whatever. I may just be in this funk for a little while, but recognizing may help to bring me out of it … thanks Andrew.

I have also recently noticed a pattern in my life linking melancholy/depression and my nutrition. I know that there really is something to that … that certain fruits help to increase your feel-good hormones, etc. etc. And in general, being nourished leads to a better mental life. It makes sense, right. Everything affects everything else … as Rob Bell says, “everything is spiritual.” So this happened when I was in Ireland, too. I kept trying foods and spending money on foods that I would eat two or three bites of and not be able to finish. I didn’t like the texture or the flavor, or something would be off and I couldn’t finish. At one point it was so bad, I tried to choke it down … literally … to the point that I was in tears over it and paid my bill and went back to the bed & breakfast and took a bath. Praise the Lord it was the one night I allowed myself to not stay in a hostel when one was available. The bath helped me relax and settle a bit ... could not have happened in the hostel. And something similar happened here in Cleveland just the other day. I wanted a bagel, but I ordered something I didn’t want. I tried to eat it, and I just couldn’t bear the thought of it, so I took all the toppings off, ate only the bagel and threw everything else out. Almost swearing not to eat anything else for the rest of the day to make up for the $7 I spent on food I didn’t eat. Isn’t that ridiculous?! So last night I had burger king (not that that’s healthy, but I ate at least … and something’s better than nothing, unless you’re intentionally fasting). And tonight I had a delicious and nutritious meal. I’m not sure which comes first, the depression or the appetite issue or what starts them, but at least I can recognize them as being linked. That’s a start, right?

This song came on the radio while I was driving to Andrew and Erica’s. And I thought “I know this song, I know it. What is it?!” When they said who it was by, I remembered that I bought this album solely for this song and I have been listening to it lately, but not far enough to hear this song, so I completely forgot this song was even on it! It was a good reminder. I needed it.

Washed by the Water
Needtobreathe

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just trying to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light

People started talking
Just to hear their own voice
Those people try to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice

Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Your people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the ground crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t ever ever let you down
I won’t go, I won’t go, I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Hummingbird

I had a strange experience today. I was going to say "the weirdest" but there are probably weirder experiences.

I continually forgot that I am in America where people speak English. Including myself.
The following are the potential reasons for this:
*I am crazy.
*I have been thinking about Finland a lot.
*I am currently in Little Italy in Cleveland, Ohio.
*I am in Ohio, staying with friends, and therefore not at home; thus, given my recent history and previous experiences, I must be in a foreign country.

Yup. It was strange. I told no one of this. Now I am sitting on the porch of the guys house, on a WAY too sketchy couch. Delicious.

Hummingbird
Wilco

His goal in life was to be an echo
Riding alone, town after town, toll after toll
A fixed bayonet through the great southwest to forget her

She appears in his dreams
But in his car and in his arms
A dream can mean anything
A cheap sunset on a television set can upset her
But he never could

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

His goal in life was to be an echo
The type of sound that floats around and then back down
Like a feather
But in the deep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans
No one could hear him
Or anything

So he slept on a mountain
In a sleeping bag underneath the stars
He would lie awake and count them
And the gray fountain spray of the great Milky Way
Would never let him
Die alone

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

A hummingbird