Sunday, May 30, 2010

Melts in your Hand, Not in your Mouth

I'd like some M&Ms to go with my own hard outer shell ... of cynicism. It seems that I have developed a little bit of an exoskeleton of cynicism, satire and critique. I think I have had a propensity for this since middle school, perhaps, or early high school. And that is not all bad, but to walk the satirical line is to walk a very fine line between entertaining and enraging. You see, I was reading this article which talks about the difference between cynicism and satire ... quite effectively, I might add.
For a person who spends so much time watching Jane Austen and chick flicks, I'm not sure how I've become so bitter, but I have. And now my women's group is doing a Beth Moore study about God's promises. I just did two days of the study at once (which is a lot) because I'm a slacker and because of the course of events recently, God has been breaking my heard over my pride, self-righteousness and disbelief in His promises. This study for me stuck a deep point. And I'm excited to talk it over with the women tonight and expound upon some of these ideas.
My only consolation, and it is not a good one, is that I am not the only one struggling with this. I am blessed with very good and honest friends who are open about their own struggles as I am with them. And we have been talking about how best to handle this bent toward the bitter that we seem to be taking. Isn't it sad that my consolation isn't in the faithfulness of God despite my own lack, or of His forgiveness of all my sins, that this disbelief in particular won't be held against me? No, my consolation is that other people are as terrible as I am. (Not that I think of my friends as terrible, just myself.)
So anyway, we haven't come up with a lot of practical solutions to this issue, but we have decided that being aware of it is a significant step and that we will try to encourage each other toward a positive manner.
But what about you? Do you struggle with this too? What do you recommend?
I've heard starting the day with smiling, and it's small, but I'm going to give it a go ... in good faith.
If I were an M&M, I'd probably be the green one because green is associated with jealousy, and that somehow seems appropriate. The difference between that hard candy shell and mine is that theirs tastes delicious and mine tastes ... well, bitter.


Alison said...

Heather. You are adorable. Im not sure that i have ever commented on your blog before, but i read it on occasion. You should check out mine (if you dont already).

i really liked this post, actually. I have been known to be bitter a few days in my life. okay, let's be honest, i have spent a good amount of my life being bitter and not seeing the blessings in my life. For me i am trying really hard to move out of that stage. The steps i have taken are:
1) recognizing the blessings in my life. writing them down. looking for them. realizing their value. etc
2) making sure i am doing my part. i think i tend to coast along and complain that nothing great happens in my life and act like i dont know why...but i know :)
3) smile more (like you said) fake it til i make it. it really works.
as i have done these things i have begun to see things happen in my life. i am certainly not where i wanna be on the bitterness scale, or on many of the scales in life, but i have seen that the promises from the Lord always come. Not in my time. but He never holds back on His part of the deal. Its great! Hope you are doing well!

amyrose said...

Well, Al summed up pretty well anything I might have said. Good luck battling it, bitterness really is a hard pill to swallow. (Also speaking as one who has gone through some pretty rough bitter phases.)