Saturday, February 20, 2010

Sometimes I Fail

I have a confession to make.
I've broken my fast. A few times now.
But not from eating. That's still going strong. And let me tell you. Whole Foods Market and Trader Joe's are a Lenten faster's best friend! So many things are now made dairy-free, it's almost like cheating! Is it still fasting if I'm eating soy cookies? I don't know. It somehow feels unfair. And yet, in all honesty, I am still being very intentional, which is part of the process I think.
So how I cheated. Well. Obviously, I haven't been blogging every day. Also. I had an audition in Louisville last night and I listened to secular music. It's my "pump-me-up-for-my-audition" playlist. I tried to go without it, but I just couldn't handle having to sit in that warm-up rooming hearing the oboes all around me. It was a terrifying experience. I really don't care for the oboe too much, nor for most oboists. Why can't we all just be normal? I suppose they think they are normal. And maybe they are ... amongst other oboists.

I just wanted to come clean about that.
But it also proves a point to me. Clearly, food is not necessarily a good fasting item for me, because it's fairly easy for me to follow a new food regimen. But my time and my mind. Those are two really difficult places for me to fast. It's difficult for me to spend my time well. To invest it well and in lasting causes. I normally just end up choosing to watch a ridiculous Amanda Bynes movie, all the way through. Knowing and acknowledging that it is indeed one of the most worthless movies ever to be made and spent money on. And it makes it even worse because I chose, in full consciousness, to waste my time watching it. And my music, what I put into my head. That is clearly a very important part of how I operate, because for me to go without it is more often than not very difficult.

It also brings up the question, which I've been speaking of often with my friends actually, which is "what is the point of lent and fasting"? And I don't completely know. My friend Jessica and I discussed it a little bit last night while she was keeping me awake for my drive home from Louisville. Part of fasting is choosing something you really might fail at fasting from. It's not so much about works and proving that you can give something up, which sometimes we focus on and thereby miss the meaning of the process. You choose something you might fail with/about/on (I don't know the proper preposition) and you try anyway, and when/if you do fail, you try again. Because that's what we do in our everyday Christian faith as well. We don't just give up on faith because we sin. No! That's ridiculous! We wouldn't be Christians for longer than an hour after receiving Christ if it worked that way! And in that case, no one would be a Christian because it wouldn't make it out of the first generation! We fail every day. We sin. Part of lent is putting that propensity to fail front and center, but not become despondent about it. We also don't embrace it. But we then are forced to see the need for our Savior more obviously and we can then appreciate or value His Salvation all the more. That's part of it at least. Or that's where my conversation with Jessica and my small group conversation led me.

God left me a little sticky-note love note yesterday. It sounds cheesy, I know. Full awareness and I gag a little saying it, but it's what it felt like. It was in the following song:
Enter the Worship Circle - Nothing Can Stop You

I really like the oompah/boom-chicks.


mimihalley said...

Hi Heather! I hope things went well with the audition!! You're an amazing musician. And thanks for sharing your thoughts on Lent. I enjoyed reading them. said...

Wait. You are auditioning on oboe but you don't like oboe or oboists much? I'm just a wee bit puzzled! :-)

The Wibbler said...

Oh gosh, no. Can't stand the oboe. This will come to bite me in the butt, someday, but somehow in it lies a strength too. I must choose whether to use it for good or evil. The jury's still out, though.