Friday, September 25, 2009

Washed by the Water

Sorry this one is so long.

I had a rather delightful day today, really. Fairly productive. I stayed up very late last night just chatting with Bobby, remembering things about MasterWorks of the past … distant and not-so. Reminiscing about the trip with Halo and processing life post-Halo. Then I woke up at a fairly reasonable hour and went for a little jaunt around Little Italy. Half jogging, half walking. Sat on the balcony for a little while, took a shower, read some more of War & Peace … I’m almost finished!! Then I went grocery shopping for a couple hours … seriously … it takes a long time to get places and find things if you’re not used to the roads or the grocery set-ups. Then I spent a few hours in the kitchen getting dinner ready and failing at making a dessert, no big deal ... I learned about what sugar does if the stove is too hot, at least.
Dinner was pasta salad, apricot chicken and mashed potatoes. And I have to say it was quite a success! Hooray!!! Then I helped Andrew and Erica paint their attic in preparation of an exchange coming to live with them for a few months.
All in all, very lovely.

While I was painting with Andrew and Erica we were talking about life and God and plans, etc. Andrew pointed out that my blogs sound a little melancholy, which I thought was a nice way of saying that, and I reckon they do sound a little that way. Which is somewhat true, I mean, I am struggling a little with the home life mental attitude (mentittude). But all in all, really life is good. There are great things happening in my life. And I am surrounded by beautiful people, the frustration becomes that I can’t spend the kind of time I’d like to with all of them, because there just isn’t that much time, or our schedules don’t line up, or what-have-you. So really, to have the problem of too many people to invest in, is not such a bad problem to have. It threw me off a little when he pointed that out, because I’m not typically a melancholy person, though I have times marked by that mood … and I don’t always mind them. So I was thinking about why my blogs sound that way … and maybe part of it is, it seems more interesting to read someone’s blog who is struggling. I don’t know why, but a thought in my head says “who wants to read someone’s blog if they’re happy all the time?” But that’s totally untrue! Two women who have the most beautiful joyful spirits I’ve ever seen have blogs that I read and that are good and have deep thoughts and they are still striving, but they aren’t cynical or melancholy. Not that it’s bad to be those things sometimes, but … let’s be honest … cynicism is not a fruit of the spirit … but Joy is.

I’m not saying I’m necessarily going to change my blog posts from now on and only be happy. They probably will be somewhat melancholy for a time, until I have had more certainty from the Lord as to where I should be and what I should be doing. Or whatever. I may just be in this funk for a little while, but recognizing may help to bring me out of it … thanks Andrew.

I have also recently noticed a pattern in my life linking melancholy/depression and my nutrition. I know that there really is something to that … that certain fruits help to increase your feel-good hormones, etc. etc. And in general, being nourished leads to a better mental life. It makes sense, right. Everything affects everything else … as Rob Bell says, “everything is spiritual.” So this happened when I was in Ireland, too. I kept trying foods and spending money on foods that I would eat two or three bites of and not be able to finish. I didn’t like the texture or the flavor, or something would be off and I couldn’t finish. At one point it was so bad, I tried to choke it down … literally … to the point that I was in tears over it and paid my bill and went back to the bed & breakfast and took a bath. Praise the Lord it was the one night I allowed myself to not stay in a hostel when one was available. The bath helped me relax and settle a bit ... could not have happened in the hostel. And something similar happened here in Cleveland just the other day. I wanted a bagel, but I ordered something I didn’t want. I tried to eat it, and I just couldn’t bear the thought of it, so I took all the toppings off, ate only the bagel and threw everything else out. Almost swearing not to eat anything else for the rest of the day to make up for the $7 I spent on food I didn’t eat. Isn’t that ridiculous?! So last night I had burger king (not that that’s healthy, but I ate at least … and something’s better than nothing, unless you’re intentionally fasting). And tonight I had a delicious and nutritious meal. I’m not sure which comes first, the depression or the appetite issue or what starts them, but at least I can recognize them as being linked. That’s a start, right?

This song came on the radio while I was driving to Andrew and Erica’s. And I thought “I know this song, I know it. What is it?!” When they said who it was by, I remembered that I bought this album solely for this song and I have been listening to it lately, but not far enough to hear this song, so I completely forgot this song was even on it! It was a good reminder. I needed it.

Washed by the Water
Needtobreathe

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just trying to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light

People started talking
Just to hear their own voice
Those people try to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice

Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Your people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the ground crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t ever ever let you down
I won’t go, I won’t go, I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

1 comment:

amydaisyrose said...

Just so you know, I'll read your blog whether it's melancholy or joyful!!

Although, obviously, I do hope that you are happy! :)