Behind Your Eyes

I've been having great trouble getting myself to sit down and write. It's frustrating because I really want to but then it seems there's something else I should be doing. Or I can't make myself be still enough inside to sit. Or whatever reason there is. Then by the time I finally can or do sit down with my computer to write, whatever I had thought of and wrestled with or needed to wrestle with has gone. And my soul has gone to sleep a little bit. So I think, to get into the habit of typing and sitting every day, I will try to just put up a song that has stuck me that particular day. At least for a time. Maybe this will encourage my soul to wake up a little ... and stay awake.
I think it tends to be my defense mechanism to go to sleep. When I get overwhelmed, I generally just want to go to sleep. When I get sad, I just want to go to sleep. Whatever happens, I sleep. So this must also be my soul's defense mechanism. I feel alone and surprised and ashamed of that feeling, so my soul goes to sleep. I wrestle a little, don't have time or can't work it out, so it hibernates. Maybe just getting into the habit of listening and typing will help me have courage to come out into the daylight.

Not to mention, whatever song strikes me on a particular day, is generally with reason ... it resonates with some part of me for some reason. The music I am listening to is a pretty accurate description of what place I happen to be in at that time.

Today's song is again by Jon Foreman:

Behind Your Eyes
Jon Foreman

If you let your feelings go, dear
It's scary what you'll find
I find I'm on your street, dear
And you're always on my mind

And no one needs to know
That you let me in tonight
That you let me see the world behind your eyes
Behind your eyes

I want to see us work, dear
To reach the other side
Our treachery is love, dear
We're on both ends of the fight, dear

We're fighting for ourselves
We're fighting for our lives
Won't you let me see the world behind your eyes
Behind your eyes

And no one needs to know
How scared we are tonight
Won't you let me see the world
Won't you let me see the world
Behind your eyes
Won't you let me see the world
Behind your eyes
Behind your eyes

Love Isn't Made

So many thoughts have occurred to me in the past couple of days, since leaving Ginland and coming home. I've thought about writing this blog frequently, but haven't been able to do it. I knew I would forget all my thoughts by the time I sat down, and indeed I have. But we'll see what comes out anyway.

I had the most marvelous drive from Maryland to Indiana after Greg and Anna's wedding. Generally when I have a drive like that I end up using the time to call old friends and catch up. I didn't call a single person until the last two hours or so. I talked to one friend who called me, and for everyone else I left a message. It was great to spend that time in silence, or singing along with my music loudly, processing what happened in the last month, trying to prepare for the next ... life, listening to God. It was really just delightful.

While I was driving, I thought about all the different things I wanted to do when I was a kid. So, since I can't think of anything profound to say, I'll just list all the different things I wanted to do ... at least all the ones i can think of now.

*astronaut
*large animal vet
*small animal vet
*zoo keeper
*garbage collector
*park ranger
*teacher
*nurse
*bus driver
*semi-truck driver
*dolphin trainer
*professional athlete (gymnast, soccer player, basketball star)
*professional musician
*writer
*bookstore owner
*Greenpeace worker

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.
I've been listening to a lot of Jon Foreman recently, so here are some lyrics from one of his songs.

Love Isn't Made

An hour ago
I felt so low
I almost drowned
Driving around
This messed up town
It's pretty, it's only
I felt so lonely
And I knew all night
I'd never find a face
That could understand
How much I miss you now

And so I arrive
At the conclusion
Love isn't made
Love doesn't sell or pay
But we buy and sell our love away

Escape to the water
I stare up at
The stars and moon and sky
I was lying on my back
With my fingers in the sand
Alone in Miami
It sounds so funny
And yet here I am
It's funny how life
Is seldom what you plan

And so I arrive at the conclusion
Love isn't made
Love doesn't sell or pay
But we buy and sell our love away

Don't let the panic bring you down
Don't let the panic bring you down
(Don't let it bring you down)
Don't let the panic bring you down

Love isn't made

Don't let the panic bring you down
How could we have let this go?
Don't let the panic bring you down
How could we have almost lost it all?
Don't let the panic bring you down
Don't let the panic bring you down
Don't let the panic bring you down
How could we've forgotten?
Love isn't made

Be Thou My Vision

I'm sitting in the living room of Pauliina's little townhouse and it's wonderful. Jenn just played "Be Thou My Vision" and now most of the ensemble is sitting around chatting. It's wonderful. Finland is beautiful. Really. Today has been a little bit of a difficult day for me in my figurative heart. I got up at noon today and showered. Then I went for a walk for a few hours by myself. It was wonderful and so nice, but also a little lonely. I spoke about it with Pauliina a little bit earlier today. I am beginning to think that my purpose in Hungary was to build people up while the LORD tore them down (in a good way). And perhaps my purpose in Finland is to be broken down. We'll just have to find out. Suffice it to say that things are going really well though. Laura is cooking up some great burgers in the kitchen and there is just fellowship, conversation, music and laughter going on around me. Praise the LORD, His love endures forever!

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

I really apologize for my lack of posting. I am sure you all understand, but still, I have wanted to keep you all updated and informed and aware, but I just haven't been able to. Not to mention I have wanted to keep track of my travels for my own sake. Hopefully this one can bring you up to speed a little bit.
I am still in Hungary at the Summer Institute with the Halo Ensemble. Things are going well but there has been a tension this whole time between the ensemble and the festival. We are technically here as volunteers and our job assignment is to be "dorm parents" but the festival still needs a lot of help in the office and they look to us to get it done. It is great to be needed, but it is terrible when you can't provide the help necessary. As much as they need us to help, we need to be rehearsing. We are giving a concert on our own on Friday and really need to work on the music. So that has been very difficult.
On top of that, personally, if I know I have a move or something else important to do in a week, I start getting anxious to prepare for that thing, so my mind is pretty much already in Finland. So that tension is also present.
As a group a lot has been going on. We played in what's called a Creative Church service and it was a very powerful experience for those participating. It wasn't quite so powerful for me, but it was important in a different way. It was very significant for us as a group and for us to be used by the LORD despite the confusion and lack of preparation. We also learned afterwards that we may have the opportunity to make a cd with a therapist from Austria? Germany? So that is pretty exciting. We just hope it works out that way. We have also as a group had a chance to work privately with this therapist on improvising and worshipping in the Spirit. I personally had a very hard time with this. It brought up a lot of insecurities, but it seemed to be great for the group.
I think that is all I am going to say for now. In general it has been a great trip and again, like MasterWorks, I think I have grown, although not necessarily in ways I can pinpoint.
If you would like to keep me in prayer, I ask for thanksgiving to the LORD for His faithfulness and for prayer for my figurative heart because it seems to be in a couple of different places and I would like for it to return to me. Also pray for rest for me and the group. It is very busy and we are now starting to get very tired.
Thanks for being my friends and for being so wonderful. I do love you all and miss you very much. (Even if I am the only one reading this.)