Blessed

My grandmother, Dodie, passed away in her sleep early this morning in her bed in Muncie, about the time that I was getting up to go to work in Cleveland. She was 96 and sharp as a tack on most days and not much duller on the rest. We're doing okay. It's hard to believe, and it took us by surprise. We were ready a couple of weeks ago when she went to the hospital, but she bounced back and was back to her normal self rather quickly. I think it's really hard on my parents and my dad's brothers and sister, especially.

I grew up with my grandma. She moved into our house when I was 8, after her husband died and she no longer desired to keep up the farmhouse where she was living by herself. We used to celebrate the anniversary of her move-in, every year with Fazoli's for their garlic-soaked breadsticks ... those really aren't fair to anyone in the world ... breath or bowels ... but they're so good.

The strangest thing for me right now is that life is continuing on as normal. I took a nap today after I found out, I finished the book I had been reading, I went for a run, I made dinner. I've cried a few times; I've chosen to do things in a different order on account of how I feel ... but mostly I feel numb. And sad. And weird. And normal. Which feels abnormal.

My mom told me I didn't need to come home, which is better for me because I have a busy week ... but I should've known she was lying ... because I'm pretty sure she is. I'm pretty sure I needed to call work, find someone to work for me tomorrow and drive home so I could be there tonight and at least tomorrow morning before coming back to go to Erie. I think this was a character defining time for me, and I blew it a little bit. I'm still thinking about finding someone to work for me Friday, so I can at least be home Thursday night and Friday morning before returning to Erie Friday night. But I think I've already missed a really important time.

Erie's playing Brahms' Ein Deutsches Requiem this week. Which is completely appropriate, but I don't know how I'm going to make it through. I'm about to try to do some score study and I'm almost fallen apart. Lord, give me strength.

The first words of the Requiem are "Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted." from Matthew 5:4
and the last words are "...Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their words do follow them." from Revelation 14:13

I don't think I will ever forget this concert.

Strawberry Swing

I saw the Chicago Symphony perform Brahms' Eine Deutsche Requiem tonight with Riccardo Muti in Chicago. It was really a very beautiful and thoughtful performance. It made me think a lot. I could tell the musicians were thinking a lot, had thought a lot. I did feel that the CSO suffered a little bit from the same thing many American orchestras seem to have trouble with, which is ... thinking too much. It seems American orchestras tend to aim for, and achieve, technically perfect concerts. Every note is placed precisely where it ought to be, with exactly the correct emphasis. Everything is right. But they seem to sacrifice a certain amount of passion and humanity. And the Brahms' Requiem. I mean, come on, it's a Requiem. It's about dead people. About death. Humanity is essential. But the point of this post is not to talk about the faults of the Chicago Symphony. As if I could even dream of doing that.
As everything in this world should be, this post is about me. (Please, note my sarcasm.) But seriously. During the first movement of the Requiem, what kept going through my mind was 1 Corinthians 13. If I am the best musician on stage, but I have not Love ... I am nothing. I am worthless. I am an out-of-tune piano. (That just reminded me of Rob Bell's Nooma video called "Rhythm." Check it out if you can.)
I want to play in an orchestra. I want to play in the Chicago Symphony. But I would choose an orchestra that plays with passion, that remembers they love music, that puts themselves on the line for their audience members over one that is known and well-respected and technically perfect. I want to take risks musically ... even though I don't in my own practice. But I want to start. I would rather be in a passionate ensemble than a perfect one. Maybe I would join an ensemble who has forgotten the music, in order to help them remember. Maybe this is precisely why I'm in the Halo Ensemble (which is what I'm doing in Chicago in the first place, right now.)
I also thought that there is no reason on Earth why I shouldn't be in an orchestra. A Good one even. Maybe more on that later. For now. A song. By Coldplay. And bedtime. Finally.

Strawberry Swing
Coldplay

They were sitting, they were sitting in the strawberry swing
And every moment was so precious

They were sitting, they were talking in the strawberry swing
And everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water bring me 'round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water
What you say?
It's such, it's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

I remember we were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait 'til the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing
People moving all the time
Inside a perfect straight line
Don't you wanna curve away
It's such it's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Ahhhh....

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you its a waste of time
...could be blue I don't mind, without you it's a waste of time
The sky could be blue, could be gray without you I just slide away
The sky could be blue, I don't mind, without you it's a waste of time